How to get an A on your essay, the easy way, if you’re still in school

essayI’m taking a writing course at one of the local colleges. The professor gave us an assignment to write a 2,000 word essay.

I’m happy to say that I got an “A” on this essay. Now, only 1,999 words to go.

I thought I’d discovered the secret to immortality – I was just a kid

immortalityImmortality – There for the taking – So I thought

I remember it clearly. It was a hot, sunny, summer day. My Mom was hanging clothes outside on the clothes line. I was standing in the doorway, talking crazy stuff to her as children often do.

I don’t know what led to our conversation. Something having to do with eating collard greens came up. My Mom said to me, “You won’t grow up to be big and strong unless you eat your collard greens.”

I tried to reply as best I could by saying, “So, to grow up, I have to eat my collard greens?”

Mom said, “Yes, you have to eat healthy stuff like collard greens to grow up!”

Even more confused, I asked, “So if I stop eating collard greens, I won’t grow up?”

“That’s right!”, Mom said.

All I could think to say was “So if I stop eating collard greens, I won’t get old and die, and I’ll live forever?”

It took Mom almost a week to convince me to eat anything. That’s when I knew I just thought I’d discovered the secret to immortality.

Young teen’s mother walked in on him while he was Jacking Off

Jacking OffThis is from an email from a Merjeo reader. I promised him I wouldn’t use his name, for his sake.

Yep….Thought I had locked the bathroom door as a younger teen.

I found a Playboy Magazine in the apartment dumpster, and stashed it in one of the cabinets in the bathroom. Mom, opened the door as I sat on the floor, choking my chicken. This was AWKWARD! For a moment, I didn’t remember anything. I think I passed out.

I was a little fuzzy, and didn’t remember too much. But for what I could remember, she didn’t have any expression on her face. We made brief eye contact, she apologized and closed the door.

I did my best to avoid my mom for the next few weeks.

Nightclub manager mistakes musician for valet parking attendant

valet parking attendantGuitar Player becomes Valet Parking Attendant and pulls a fast one

When I had just graduated college, I had a second job. I moonlighted as a musician, playing the piano in a group. We played gigs all across the Country.

One night, we were playing a nightclub gig in Tuscon, Arizona. The manager asked our guitar player to park a customer’s car for him, The gentleman had a brand new Burgundy Cadillac, in showroom condition. The guitar player took his keys and parked the car in the back of the nightclub.

This was on a Friday night. We played the gig, and before leaving, we all agreed that we would meet at our next gig, in one week, at the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada.

A week later, I drove into the musician’s parking lot at the Riviera, and saw a brand new Burgundy Cadillac pull into a parking space. The guitar player got out of the car. The first thought that came to my mind was, “Is this guy crazy?” Then, I said to myself,

“Now I know where he parked the car for the customer.”

At one time, I wanted to be a comedian, but . . .

comedian

Why my career as a comedian never got off the ground

When I told everyone I wanted to be a comedian, they all laughed at me.

However, they gave me their support, and encouraged me to do the best I could do.

I did, but then I ran into another problem.

No one ever laughed at me again.

Should a landlord be responsible for fixing a toilet seat?

toilet seatCan my landlord charge me for a new toilet seat?

This is from a letter received by a Merjeo reader:

My toilet seat has been off the screws for a while now, and we have brought it to the inspector doing the inspection and they said they’ll fix it, yet they haven t.

We always have to keep putting the seat on and straightening it. Tonight my son sat on the toilet and the seat wasn‘t on right and it cracked. Do I contact my landlord and tell them this, and that they have been notified in the past for the broken screw parts, and now it has snapped, or should I go out and buy a new one?


Merjeo’s response:

Are you shitting me? (No pun intended.) Come on , Man, get real! This isn’t even funny.

What Children and Farts have in common

fartsFarts are like children

You’re proud of your own, and you’re nauseated by others.

 

The craziest thing a teacher has ever heard students say

My dinner date with a school teacher

A few weeks ago, I had dinner with a very attractive teacher. It was nothing formal. We ate at Cici’s Pizza. She told me about a conversation between two students in her class that happened earlier in the week. As you read this, keep in mind that these are high school students.

Student 1: Did you just hear what he said?

Student 2: No, what?

Student 1: He said he’s going to Hawaii this summer.

Student 2: Okay?

Student 1: This SUMMER!

Student 2: I don’t get it.

Student 1: You can’t fly to Hawaii in the summer. The sun is too hot. The plane will blow up.

Student 2: I didn’t even think about that. Maybe they’re going to drive.

Student 1: What are you talking about? You can’t drive to Hawaii. It’s too far. It would take forever to get there.

What do you say when you get rammed by a shopping cart?

shopping cartSuppose someone rams you with a Shopping Cart

When we are shopping in the supermarket, buying your food to feed your family, every once in a while it will happen. Someone will ram you in the ankle with a shopping cart.

The first thing they say to you, “Oh, I’m sorry!” Then, most people will automatically say, “That’s all right?” I’ve never understood why they say this.

Well, I’ve got some news for you. It’s not all right! People should say,

“You stupid idiot! That hurt like hell!”

Why is Harakiri something that family members are proud of?

Harakiri

The ritual of Harakiri

Harakiri is a ritual suicide with a sword, formerly practice by the people in Japan.

Two years ago, I visited Japan. I stayed with some friends. As they were showing me around their house, I noticed that there was a sword hanging on the wall.

I asked, “What’s the significance of that sword?” I was told, “My great grandfather committed a ritual form of suicide with that exact sword many years ago.”

Then, I said to my friend,

“I’ve been in the homes of many people in America, and I have never seen a pack of cigarettes hanging on the wall.”

 

You better be careful where you pee

bidetYou better not pee in that bidet

When I was in the eighth grade, I attended a wedding in a mansion in Selma, Alabama. At the time, I’d never been out of the hot house.

We were given a tour of the house. When we were in the bathroom, I saw something similar to the picture to the left. I asked my mother, of all people, why there were two toilets in the bathroom. She decided to have some fun with me by saying, “That’s a urinal.” Then I thought, “This must be how rich people live.

Later, I found out this was a bidet, the gadget that women use to take a douche. Before I found this out, I said to my mother, thinking this was a urinal, “Good. I have to pee.”

I’ll never forget what she said to me.

“You better not pee in that. If you do, it will pee back at you.