Have you ever tried to put on a BAND-AID with one hand?
It seems like every time I need to use a BAND-AID to stop bleeding, it’s always on a part of my body that’s inconvenient.
You need two hands to put on a BAND-AID. It never fails. Every time, I need to put one on my arm, or worse, my hand. When this happens, you can forget about using both hands.
Sometimes I wish the cut was on my leg instead.
That’s just one part of the problem. How many times have you tried to put on a BAND-AID, and it just won’t stick. You have to use two – One to stop the bleeding and the other to hold the first one in place. Not very economical.
An old doctor about to retire won’t fool with you
I’ve been to two doctors in my life who were within 6 months of retiring. The first doctor was a dentist. The second was a dermatologist.
With the dermatologist, it wasn’t so bad. All I needed was a minor treatment for a skin rash. He didn’t want to fool with it because he knew he was on his way out.
With the dentist, I needed extensive dental work. He quoted me a price for all of the work and I said, “OK! Let’s do it!” Then he said, “My assistant will call you tomorrow and set up an appointment.” I never heard from the dentist or the assistant again.
These two stories have a good ending for me, but not the doctors. My skin condition was treated and the rash went away. I’ve gotten my teeth fixed and I’m very happy with the work the dentist did. Finally, both doctors are dead.
Don’t go to an old doctor, or you could die
Lucky for me, neither doctor I went to was a life and death situation. Suppose you go to an old doctor who’s on his way out, and you need some serious treatment. Odds are, he doesn’t want to mess with it, and you are shit out of luck.
By the way, the same thing applies to lawyers.
The ritual of Harakiri
Harakiri is a ritual suicide with a sword, formerly practice by the people in Japan.
Two years ago, I visited Japan. I stayed with some friends. As they were showing me around their house, I noticed that there was a sword hanging on the wall.
I asked, “What’s the significance of that sword?” I was told, “My great grandfather committed a ritual form of suicide with that exact sword many years ago.”
Then, I said to my friend,
“I’ve been in the homes of many people in America, and I have never seen a pack of cigarettes hanging on the wall.”
If the fat person is a casual friend
“I wouldn’t exactly say you’re fat. It’s more like thick. I’m not going to lie to you. But I do think you look good and carry yourself very well.”
The response you’ll get is, “Piss on you.”
If the fat person is your lover
“I don’t mind it if you’re a little fat. The way I see it is, there’s just more of you for me to love.”
The response you’ll get is, “That’s so sweet, but, piss on you.”
No matter who the person is you call ‘fat’, your goose is cooked.
It’s almost a person’s sacred duty to get drunk occasionally
Rule Number 1: If you want to get drunk, go ahead. Just make sure you stay at home, out of danger, and don’t drive. I see no problem with this. It’s a person’s sacred duty to do this every once in a while.
Rule Number 2: If you decide to get drunk, do not, I repeat, DO NOT get drunk on wine. It you decide not to take my advice, let me give you a description of what you have to look forward to.
This makes a hangover feel like a picnic
If you’ve never been drunk on wine, this is something you have to experience to believe.
You don’t really feel any different at first. Then, you try to sleep if off. Suddenly, you feel something moving. You can’t tell if it’s the bed, the covers, the mattress, the room or the house. It’s worse then being in the Twilight Zone. You can’t stay in that bed, so you go to the place where you think you’ll get relief, but I’m afraid you’re in for a disappointment.
You do to the bathroom. You have to go. And when I say go, I really mean go. You sit on the toilet. The problem is, you also need a toilet in front of you.
That’s right. You have it coming out of both ends of your body at the same time. And that, my friend, is
The Worst Feeling in the World!
This has happened to me twice in my life. You may be asking, “Why did you do it a second time?” I guess I could say that I was young, cocky, and didn’t believe it the first time.
Both times, I was never more happy to have a hangover in my life!
A simple ‘waste of time’ remedy for acne
There’s a way to prevent acne, so I’ve read. It is said, if you turn the water to cold at the end of your shower, this will prevent acne. The cold water is supposed to seal your pores, preventing dirt and bacteria from entering your skin.
That’s all well and good, but who cares?
When you reach the age of 21, the acne will disappear anyway. Have you ever heard of anyone spending their Social Security check on an acne remedy?
In the meantime, you’ve been freezing your ass off, for nothing.
Last week, I went to the local gym where I’m a member, and signed up for an exercise class. I was really looking forward to getting back in shape.
So much for the exercise class
When I got there, class was about to begin. The instructor said to me, “When you signed up for this class, weren’t you told to wear some loose fitting clothes? I’m afraid you’ll have to go home and change.”
I said, “Hell! If I had any loose fitting clothes, I wouldn’t have had to sign up for this damn class in the first place!”
Massage vs Rub Down depends on 3 things:
- What part of the body is being massaged or rubbed down. If it’s the back, it can be either. The nurse gives a back massage. Does the sports trainer give a massage. No way! He gives a rub down. Can you imagine Tom Brady getting a massage from the Patriots’ trainer? Maybe the trainer would like to give him a face rub down or a foot rub down. Have you ever heard of a face or foot rub down? NO. But you’ve heard of a facial massage and a foot massage.
- Who’s doing the massage or rub down. Does a coach’s trainer give his star players a massage? No way! He gives them a rub down. What about a nurse? Does the nurse even know what a rub down is? Do you remember the days when massage parlors were popular? You didn’t go there to get a rub down. You went there to get a massage, plus a few other extra benefits.
- How you feel before getting whatever it is you’re getting. Massage is associated with therapy. When you get a massage, it’s because something is screw up in your system, and you feel rough when you get there. Rub down is associated with activity, sports, athletes and working out. When you get a rub down, you already feel great. You think the rub down is going to make you feel better. That’s why you get it. Of course, there’s another reason. Maybe you want to be like Tom Brady.
- One sounds masculine, and the other, feminine. Men like to get a rub down because it is masculine, or macho. Women prefer a massage because it is feminine.
Hey, Dude! I’m cool! I’m gonna get me a rub down!
You can research as many facts about farts on the internet as you want, but you’ll read a bunch of scientific junk that will confuse you. For example, some say that it is the nitrogen and carbon dioxide gas in the intestines that make a fart stink. Forget this BS. I’m going to give you some fart facts, in layman’s terms.
1. Why do farts stink?
This is the number one question. Forget about that gas in the intestines crap. That’s not what makes a fart stink. Nothing stinks more than a piece of feces (aka, s__t). Before the air comes out of the bottom, it bypasses the feces, giving the air a nice fragrant aroma after it leaves the body.
2. Why do some farts smell worse than others?
If you haven’t taken a dump in a while, there’s a whole lot of feces down there. The result is, more feces to bypass. This gives the fart the strongest scent possible. On the other hand, if you take a dump, you should be cleaned out. Then, if you fart, there’s not as much feces to bypass. This results in a more pleasant smelling fart.
3. Why are some people proud to fart in public, while some are not?
Much of this depends on personal preference, while some depends on nerve. I know many people who have admitted that they’re proud of their farts.
It also depends on the profession. Professional men, such as, Attorneys and Doctors are about 50 / 50. You’re not likely to see a Catholic priest fart in public. You also won’t see a public figure fart. I can’t imagine President Obama laying a big fart before making a speech and saying, “Excuse me.” Do you think you would see Pope Francis fart before his annual Christmas midnight mass at St. Peter’s Basilica?
4. Why do some farts smell like the foods you have just eaten
Some foods are rough and durable, and the stomach can’t grind them up. They enter the intestines the same way they went into your mouth. Every time I eat steak, my farts smell like steak, with an added aroma.
5. Why are people able to smell their own farts?
This is because they have no choice. They’ve been farting so long, and smelling their own farts that they’re immune to them.
6. What causes a fart to make noise?
Sometimes the air has to work its way around more feces, causing a massive explosion in the butt hole. The noise has to do with where ever the feces is located? If you eat healthy, and eat food that is easily digestible, your farts won’t be as loud.
7. Is it true that the silent farts are more deadly?
This is not necessarily true. This is psychological. When you hear someone let out a loud fart, you have been alerted, and have time to get away. With silent farts, you don’t know they’re coming, and the result is – SURPRISE !
I have two Boston Terriers. They fart all the time. I never hear them, but I sure as hell can smell them.
8. When you fart in the shower, why does it stink so bad?
This is because you are boxed in. There’s no where for the fart to go.
9. Why do under water farts stink so bad?
Regular farts lose their potency because they have to go through two layers of clothing. Under water farts come out in one big bubble, causing maximum potency.
10. What food makes you fart the most?
It’s not just beans. Beans don’t really make me fart as much as other foods. Many believe that it’s sodas, fruits and vegetables.
From my experience, the food that makes me fart the most is, fried chicken livers. They not only make me fart. They make me fart loud and long. The last time I had fried chicken livers, I played Beethoven’s 5th Symphony.
11. What causes the worst smelling fart possible?
There’s no question. Drink a few Budweiser’s, and eat an few pickled eggs, and you will fart like crazy. Furthermore, you’ll have a hard time smelling your own fart.
12. Why would a Company advertise and sell a product like Beano?
Beano is a product that stops gas before it starts. Why? I like having a little gas. I never said that farting is an unpleasant experience. Personally, I like to fart.
First, people were dying to finish grade school.
Then they were dying to finish high school and college.
Next, they were dying to get married and have children.
After about eighteen years, they were dying for the kids to leave and get out on their own.
Finally people have been dying to retire.
People have been dying for so long, that they’ve forgotten how to live.
When some people have an ailment in a certain part of their body, their first reaction is, “See a specialist.” Someone suffering from a severe case of athlete’s foot may want to see a podiatrist (foot doctor). If you have a bad case of psoriasis, your first thought is to see a dermatologist.
During the last several years, I’ve visited three dermatologists, and two foot doctors. In my opinion, none of these five doctors were better at treating my problems than my regular doctor. In fact, my regular family doctor treated them much better. Seeing these five doctors was nothing but a waste of time and money, and the symptoms never went away, until after I finally visited my family doctor.
Based on my experiences, I will never see a specialist unless I have to. The specialist must be a last resort. It must be a matter of life and death. A person is not likely to die from athlete’s foot or psoriasis. Continue reading Why you should see your regular Doctor, & not a Specialist