Email from a Merjeo reader:
The first thing I did was shake my head, and then shouted, “Girl, are you crazy!” Then, I told her I love her, and that nothing she could do will ever change that. I also reminded her that I’m not just pissed. I’m passed pissed.
Then, I reminded her that she’s going to be in for a rude awakening. When born, the baby will be mine, not hers, and I will adopt it myself. She won’t have custody regardless.
Finally, I’ll hunt down the father, and politely explain to him that for the next 18 years, his paycheck is mine, or he’ll go to jail. At first, I thought about killing him and hiding the body, but I don’t want to go to prison. I have a kid to raise. I’d rather make him wish he were dead, which is exactly what I intend to do. For the next 18 years, I own him. His ass is mine!
Response from Merjeo:
Calm down. There’s a solution to this problem.
Find her a future husband. Find a good man you know, like and trust. Since she’s only 14, you have time on your side. And don’t rule out the father. Sit down with him and have a friendly discussion. He may not be a gad guy. He just screwed up. She may give you a hard time and say something like, “Daddy, you have no right to interfere with my life!“
Your response to this should be, “BULL SHIT! You’ve tried it your way and you’ve messed up. Now, we’ll try it my way!“
Take the father’s paycheck. He is responsible.
The child is what’s most important. This way, the child can grow up in a healthy family environment. Who knows? Your daughter may turn out to be a good mother.
Email from Merjeo reader:
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, my cousin is 31, I’m 18, and she really likes me a lot.
I want to have sex with her so bad, I can hardly stand it. Yesterday we were kissing. Then I stopped her because I felt it wasn’t the right thing to do. I’ve heard that our children might have Down Syndrome or something like that if I do anything with her. Is this BS or NOT?
I do like her, but I can’t have a family because of that. I won’t put my penis anywhere near her body.
Actually, your kids will grow up with a superior IQ. This also happens when pregnant women are on steroids. There’s only one side effect. The kids are psychotic. And speaking of psychotic, have you checked your marbles lately?
You’re saying you want to raise a family with your cousin. You have to be out of your mind. I think either your parents are cousins, or, your mother was on steroids when she was pregnant with you.
I’m sorry to break it to you Pal, but your cousin is toying with you, laughing and enjoying every minute of it. If you have sex with her, it would be nothing more than a training session. In other words, she’ll give you sex lessons.
Email from Merjeo Reader:
I just found out my twin sister has had a crush on my yet to be announced fiancé for the longest time. Our engagement party is next week.
I was wondering if it was okay if I let my twin sleep with him before then. We haven’t asked my fiancé about this yet, but my sister is very excited, I doubt he’d even notice, we both look and sound the same and have very similar names. I’m Kathy and she’s Cat. We were named Katherine & Catherine. Our parents thought it was funny.
So will it work? We won’t get into trouble with the cops though, will we?
Response from Merjeo:
You can ask this question to a cop, but he’ll probably laugh at you. Just to play it safe, you might want to ask your lawyer. My guess is, he’ll also laugh and tell you, “I don’t know.” You’d better be worried about getting in trouble with your fiancé.
I have a suggestion. Level with him. Tell him the truth. Then, if he’s cool with it, you can have a threesome, and play cat and mouse.
While this is not my style, let me add that the best man at my wedding had sex with another woman on the night of his bachelor party, and they have been married 45 years.
Propose marriage this way, and you will get a YES
First, ask your future wife to go skydiving with you.
Next, when you are both about to jump, ask her, “Are you scared?” You want her to say YES. She probably will because that’s the most expected answer.
Then say to her, “Don’t worry. I once experienced a more intense fall than this, without a parachute, and it worked out just fine.” Naturally, she’ll ask, “When?”
Then, say to her, “When I fell in love with you. Will you marry me?”
How can she help but say YES? Just one reminder. After you jump, please don’t forget to open your parachute.
Women have double standards
If you’re married, or have a girl friend, naturally she’ll get pissed off if you talk about another woman you think is attractive.
When I was married to my soul mate (I’m widowed now), I never bragged about other women, at least, other women who I could call and meet if I was an unfaithful husband. I loved my wife too much. And besides, she wouldn’t have killed me. She would have made me wish I was dead.
On the other hand, I bragged about beautiful women who are celebrities all the time. For example, I once said to my wife, “I think Jaclyn Smith is the most beautiful woman ever.” She never got mad at me for this. Like most women, my wife was very smart. She knew that I was just pissing in the wind.
Celebrity women – No threat to your woman
There’s no telling how many women know that their men have a crush on someone like Britney Spears or Kim Kardashian. But that’s OK. Women don’t mind this. However, if you have a crush on one of her friends, she’ll want to castrate you.
- When you can put on your clothes without your mother’s help
- When you can put on your clothes without your mother’s reminder
- When you know when to put on your clothes
- When you know the right kind of clothes to put on
- When your dad gets a bill for your visit to the doctor, and suddenly, out of nowhere, he hands it to you
- When you reach the age of 13, and you have a dad who has been brainwashed into thinking that all teenagers are bad
- When you get into a fight with another person and your dad says, “If you don’t whip his ass, you’re no son of mine!“
- When you graduate high school, and your dad says, “You need to find another place to live.”
- When your dad tells another adult, “If he gives you a hard time, you have my permission to whip his ass like a man.“
- When you start working, and your dad says, “Now that you have your own money, I don’t have to be bothered with you anymore.“
- Finally, when your dad gets mad at you and says, “Now, I’m going to give you a chance to whip my ass!“
Does any of this sound familiar?
Email from Merjeo Reader:
I’m 18 and my boyfriend (who’s a bit older) took my virginity when we started dating 2 months ago. I asked him if that was a good thing, and he said yeah because no other guy has been there before. Why is that good? Is that like an ego boost or something?
Response from Merjeo:
Taking a girl’s virginity is definitely not an ego boost. On the contrary, this is something that should make the boy feel cheap, embarrassed and humiliated.
There’s only one exception to this. There’s nothing cheap and humiliating about taking a girls virginity if she’s the boy’s newlywed wife. But for this, you’d have to think back to the way things were in the 50’s and part of the 60’s. Most couples don’t do things this way anymore. And the ones who do are very rare.
From an email from a Merjeo Reader who is a woman:
If the woman did not dress slutty, in revealing clothes she would not have been raped. I think most would agree that women are mostly to blame for getting raped.
Response from Merjeo:
Come on, Girl! Where’s the loyalty to your own gender?
First of all, let me ask you, “Were You, or a Friend of Yours Raped?” If so, I don’t want to know about it. But I’ll tell you who is to blame.
Rape is always the man’s fault, point blank, closed issue. Sometimes, it’s also the woman’s fault.
There’s one very simple word in the English language that people have a hard time saying. This word is NO. If the woman dresses slutty, as you put it, I wouldn’t say that she’s asking for it. But, if she flirts with the soon to be rapist, she definitely is asking for it. Of course, she could push the panic button and say NO, but the damage has already been done. In this case, it’s not the fault of only the woman or only the man. Both are at fault.
Say no at the beginning, don’t flirt with a scumbag, and it’s not your fault. If you do flirt, I wouldn’t say you’re getting what you deserve, because rape is always wrong. But you’re not helping your situation.
From an email from a Merjeo reader:
My girlfriend is kind of a hippy and is a vegetarian. She’s not controlling or anything, but she really hates when I eat meat and gets really judgmental about it. Whenever she sees me eating meat, she starts talking about slaughter house statistics and how cruel it is to eat meat. I don’t really care about the meat, I can give it up if I want, but I don’t want her to think that she can just change everything about me that she doesn’t like.
In the past I used to have a pilot’s license as a hobby, but she dumped me because she said she’s afraid of airplanes and said she was sick of constantly worrying about me dying in a plane crash. She also persuaded me into quitting smoking two years ago. In general I love her and she’s really funny, easy going and pleasant to be around, but the meat and airplane shit bugs me. I’d never tell her what to do. By the way, I’m 27, and she’s 24.
Response from Merjeo:
Wow! I’ve seen quirks before, but this takes the cake. She’s giving you a hard time about two things that have nothing to do with each other. How many more things about you piss her off?
What does she like to do? Observe what she likes, and give her a taste of her own medicine.
If she likes needlepoint, get on her ass about it, and tell her that she could puncture her finger with the needle and get blood poison.
Tell her those vegetables she likes so much have probably been sprayed with insecticide, and could cause an infection.
Better yet, tell her that we all can get cancer by breathing, and she has to stop breathing to stay healthy. No, don’t go that far. But put the shoe on the other foot. This will either get her off your case, or make her paranoid. If she gets paranoid, she won’t be bothered by your habits anymore because she’ll be worried about her own.
The Late Doctor Morelli was a friend of mine
Poor Doctor Morelli! He really screwed up, literally. 3 years ago, he had an affair with his nurse. One day, at the office, she told him the last thing he wanted to hear, “I’m pregnant.”
Doctor Morelli told her, “I’ve got to get you out of town until the baby is born. Twice a year, I visit Italy. I know hundreds of places where you can go. I’ll cover all of your expenses, and will keep you on salary while you’re on leave of absence. You can have the baby, and let me know when it happens. Is that OK with you?”
The nurse said, “Yes, but how will I let you know? I can’t just call you and tell you. Your wife won’t like it.”
Dr. Morelli said, “That’s right. I have an idea. When the baby is born, send me an anonymous post card and write the word Pasta on it. Then I’ll know.”
Doctor Morelli got a big surprise
8 months later, while at the office, Doctor Morelli received a phone call from his wife. “We got the strangest post card in the mail.” He said, “Wait, I’ll be home shortly and I’ll explain it to you.” He’d already thought of an explanation he was going to use.
When Doctor Morelli returned home, he took one look at the postcard, and had a massive heart attack. He died before the ambulance made it to the hospital. One of the doctors in the hospital tried to comfort his wife by asking her, “Did you anticipate anything like this? He seemed healthy. What could have happened?”
His wife, puzzled, showed him the card and read,
“Pasta, Pasta, Pasta, Pasta – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”
Letter from Merjeo Reader:
Married young, have a great loving marriage but I wish I had tried other men first . . ?
I met my man at 16. He took my virginity and swept me off my feet. Married at 20, and never dated another guy. Married now twelve years, love him so much. We are both very happy, great full life and yes a great sex life. But I yearn to try other men. No one specific I just wonder what it’s like with another guy. I sometimes fantasize about strangers when we are having sex. What causes this? Is it some normal suppressed need in me? It’s getting stronger.
As long as you’re just thinking about it, and not doing it, I don’t see a problem.
This is normal. When I got married years ago, I thought many times about what it would be like to have sex with Kim Novak, who in my opinion is the most beautiful woman there ever was.
At your young age, you probably don’t remember who I’m talking about. But consider this. While having sex, how do you know your husband isn’t fantasizing about doing it with Kim Kardashian?
Image of Kim Kardasian: Glenn Francis, PacificProDigital.