Everyone knows about the standard rules, such as, wash your hands before dinner, don’t eat with your fingers, don’t talk about disgusting things at the table, don’t talk with your mouth full, etc.
Here are some new rules that no one has ever heard about, and until now, have never thought about. They are a little different, but at least they make sense.
6 rules for good table manners
Start Dining if Your Companion is Late
If your dinner companion is late, go ahead and start dining without him. If you told him that dinner was at 7:30, you MEANT, 7:30. If he’s late, that’s his little red wagon. Go right ahead. Dig in. Enjoy the delicious food. If he gets mad at you for not waiting on him, PISS ON HIM!
Don’t Smoke Cigarettes at the Table
It’s OK to smoke a cigar, or a pipe. Just don’t smoke a cigarette. Cigarettes are not associated with dining. They are associated with sex. If you are a woman, and you enjoy smoking, learn to smoke a cigar or pipe. Otherwise, you are S O L!
Whatever is Passed to You, Don’t Return it
It has always been common courtesy to return something that you have asked someone to pass to you, once you’ve used it. But why? Who made up this bazaar rule? When you ask someone to pass the salt, and you put some on your food, why should you have to return it? If the guy who passed it to you makes a stink about it, tell him, “You didn’t give me the impression that you were about to use it. It was just sitting in front of you.”
If the Food Tastes Bad, be Honest
Don’t tell someone that the dinner is delicious if it tastes like it was seasoned with a pair of three week old gym socks. If you do this, people will see right through you and know you are lying out of your ass.
Sing at the Table
If your mouth is full of food, don’t do this. Otherwise, it is OK. I’ve never understood the logic. What’s wrong with singing at the table? If you’re sitting down, you can’t sing. If you stand up, you can sing. This is BS. About a hundred years ago, someone made up this rule. Why should we suffer because some jerk screwed it up for everyone?
When you Finish Dinner, Put your Napkin in your Plate
If it’s a paper napkin, this doesn’t matter, because you can just toss it into the trash basket. This only applies to cloth napkins. Never do what you have probably been taught, which is, place your napkin on the table, or on the chair. Here’s the logic. You have wiped your mouth with this napkin. If you place it on the table or the chair, you will spread germs. Don’t worry about the plate. It will be washed, and so will the napkin – I HOPE!