Have you ever tried to put on a BAND-AID with one hand?
It seems like every time I need to use a BAND-AID to stop bleeding, it’s always on a part of my body that’s inconvenient.
You need two hands to put on a BAND-AID. It never fails. Every time, I need to put one on my arm, or worse, my hand. When this happens, you can forget about using both hands.
Sometimes I wish the cut was on my leg instead.
That’s just one part of the problem. How many times have you tried to put on a BAND-AID, and it just won’t stick. You have to use two – One to stop the bleeding and the other to hold the first one in place. Not very economical.
An old doctor about to retire won’t fool with you
I’ve been to two doctors in my life who were within 6 months of retiring. The first doctor was a dentist. The second was a dermatologist.
With the dermatologist, it wasn’t so bad. All I needed was a minor treatment for a skin rash. He didn’t want to fool with it because he knew he was on his way out.
With the dentist, I needed extensive dental work. He quoted me a price for all of the work and I said, “OK! Let’s do it!” Then he said, “My assistant will call you tomorrow and set up an appointment.” I never heard from the dentist or the assistant again.
These two stories have a good ending for me, but not the doctors. My skin condition was treated and the rash went away. I’ve gotten my teeth fixed and I’m very happy with the work the dentist did. Finally, both doctors are dead.
Don’t go to an old doctor, or you could die
Lucky for me, neither doctor I went to was a life and death situation. Suppose you go to an old doctor who’s on his way out, and you need some serious treatment. Odds are, he doesn’t want to mess with it, and you are shit out of luck.
By the way, the same thing applies to lawyers.
If you go sky diving, and your parachute does not open. don’t worry. It’s not the fall that’s going to kill you.
It’s going to be the impact when you hit the ground.
Most of the time, when a beautiful woman wears a bikini, men usually show her some respect.
They are very respectful and very polite. They only look at the covered parts.
I’m taking a writing course at one of the local colleges. The professor gave us an assignment to write a 2,000 word essay.
I’m happy to say that I got an “A” on this essay. Now, only 1,999 words to go.
Negative thinking cure – 2 things you need to do – It’s easy and it works everytime
Put a teaspoon in your right or left pants pocket. It doesn’t matter which one.
Whenever you catch yourself thinking a negative thought, move the teaspoon to the other pocket. Do this without exception.
During the first few days you will constantly have to move the teaspoon back and forth between your pockets. Over time you’ll get rid of the negative thinking before it ever enters your mind.
After a month, sometimes less, it becomes habit. You automatically know that you’re supposed to dismiss negative thoughts, and you’ve programmed yourself to do this. If they come back, put the spoon back in your pocket and scoop them away.
I’ve tried this, and I don’t have anymore negative thoughts. It works like a charm. Try it.
Enjoy! Don’t think negative. THINK POSITIVE.
Immortality – There for the taking – So I thought
I remember it clearly. It was a hot, sunny, summer day. My Mom was hanging clothes outside on the clothes line. I was standing in the doorway, talking crazy stuff to her as children often do.
I don’t know what led to our conversation. Something having to do with eating collard greens came up. My Mom said to me, “You won’t grow up to be big and strong unless you eat your collard greens.”
I tried to reply as best I could by saying, “So, to grow up, I have to eat my collard greens?”
Mom said, “Yes, you have to eat healthy stuff like collard greens to grow up!”
Even more confused, I asked, “So if I stop eating collard greens, I won’t grow up?”
“That’s right!”, Mom said.
All I could think to say was “So if I stop eating collard greens, I won’t get old and die, and I’ll live forever?”
It took Mom almost a week to convince me to eat anything. That’s when I knew I just thought I’d discovered the secret to immortality.
Propose marriage this way, and you will get a YES
First, ask your future wife to go skydiving with you.
Next, when you are both about to jump, ask her, “Are you scared?” You want her to say YES. She probably will because that’s the most expected answer.
Then say to her, “Don’t worry. I once experienced a more intense fall than this, without a parachute, and it worked out just fine.” Naturally, she’ll ask, “When?”
Then, say to her, “When I fell in love with you. Will you marry me?”
How can she help but say YES? Just one reminder. After you jump, please don’t forget to open your parachute.
Talking about dead people is like singing at the table. About a hundred years ago, someone made up this rule. Why should we suffer because some jerk screwed it up for everyone?
If a guy was bad while he was living, is he suddenly good because he is dead?
Ted Bundy was a serial killer. rapist, pedophile and necrophilia (the act of enjoying the company of a dead corpse or probably doing sick things to it) ever since he first realized his penis could get erect. He killed more than 36 women, that are at least accounted for. He was fried in 1989.
Oh, sorry! I can’t talk about him because he’s dead.
Bernie Madoff is an American fraudster and a former stockbroke and investment adviser. He swindled at least 72 people out of their life savings. Presently, he’s serving a 150 year prison term.
OK! I can talk about him because he’s not dead.
Women have double standards
If you’re married, or have a girl friend, naturally she’ll get pissed off if you talk about another woman you think is attractive.
When I was married to my soul mate (I’m widowed now), I never bragged about other women, at least, other women who I could call and meet if I was an unfaithful husband. I loved my wife too much. And besides, she wouldn’t have killed me. She would have made me wish I was dead.
On the other hand, I bragged about beautiful women who are celebrities all the time. For example, I once said to my wife, “I think Jaclyn Smith is the most beautiful woman ever.” She never got mad at me for this. Like most women, my wife was very smart. She knew that I was just pissing in the wind.
Celebrity women – No threat to your woman
There’s no telling how many women know that their men have a crush on someone like Britney Spears or Kim Kardashian. But that’s OK. Women don’t mind this. However, if you have a crush on one of her friends, she’ll want to castrate you.
- When you can put on your clothes without your mother’s help
- When you can put on your clothes without your mother’s reminder
- When you know when to put on your clothes
- When you know the right kind of clothes to put on
- When your dad gets a bill for your visit to the doctor, and suddenly, out of nowhere, he hands it to you
- When you reach the age of 13, and you have a dad who has been brainwashed into thinking that all teenagers are bad
- When you get into a fight with another person and your dad says, “If you don’t whip his ass, you’re no son of mine!“
- When you graduate high school, and your dad says, “You need to find another place to live.”
- When your dad tells another adult, “If he gives you a hard time, you have my permission to whip his ass like a man.“
- When you start working, and your dad says, “Now that you have your own money, I don’t have to be bothered with you anymore.“
- Finally, when your dad gets mad at you and says, “Now, I’m going to give you a chance to whip my ass!“
Does any of this sound familiar?