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Odd, Strange & Funny, March 19th, 2017

Teach a man how to fish and you’ve created a monster

Teach a Man How to FishTeach a Man How to Fish – Very common when people ask others for help

The idea is simple. The person who is giving someone help and guidance could just give him a fish. The problem is, he will eat the fish, and come back for more.

Don’t just give him a fish. Show him how to get his own fish, and he’ll never mess with you again. Otherwise, you’ll never get rid of him.

Adaptions to the expression, Teach a Man How to Fish

  • Teach a man how to hold a gun, and he will rob a bank.
  • Teach a man how to run a bank, and he will rob the World.
  • Teach a man how to shoot a gun, and he will kill someone.
  • Teach a man how to seduce a woman, and he will take your wife.
  • Teach a man about sex, and he will screw you royally.

 

 

Odd, Strange & Funny, March 19th, 2017

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure – Be careful who you say this to

One mans trash another mans treasureTwo situations when you would never use this expression

  • Never say this to your adopted son
  • Never say this to the woman you married

Two more situations when you can use this expression

  • When you’re about to get a divorce
  • If you own a business, when you’re about to fire someone
Religion, March 12th, 2017

Man evolved from apes and the monkey – I’m sure I know why

apesWhat was wrong with the apes and the monkey?

I’ve always wondered why man evolved from apes. During this time, I’ve asked myself two questions:

  • First, why did God create man?
  • Second, if man evolved from apes, why are apes still around?

I have the answers to both.

  • First, God created man because He was disappointed with the monkey.
  • Second, the ape is still around because one day, God may decide to change things back to the way they were.
Health & Fitness, March 12th, 2017

Why putting on a BAND-AID is such a pain in the ass

band-aidHave you ever tried to put on a BAND-AID with one hand?

It seems like every time I need to use a BAND-AID to stop bleeding, it’s always on a part of my body that’s inconvenient.

You need two hands to put on a BAND-AID. It never fails. Every time, I need to put one on my arm, or worse, my hand. When this happens, you can forget about using both hands.

Sometimes I wish the cut was on my leg instead.

That’s just one part of the problem. How many times have you tried to put on a BAND-AID, and it just won’t stick. You have to use two – One to stop the bleeding and the other to hold the first one in place. Not very economical.

Health & Fitness, March 12th, 2017

Why it is not safe to go to a Doctor who is about to retire

doctorAn old doctor about to retire won’t fool with you

I’ve been to two doctors in my life who were within 6 months of retiring. The first doctor was a dentist. The second was a dermatologist.

With the dermatologist, it wasn’t so bad. All I needed was a minor treatment for a skin rash. He didn’t want to fool with it because he knew he was on his way out.

With the dentist, I needed extensive dental work. He quoted me a price for all of the work and I said, “OK! Let’s do it!” Then he said, “My assistant will call you tomorrow and set up an appointment.” I never heard from the dentist or the assistant again.

These two stories have a good ending for me, but not the doctors. My skin condition was treated and the rash went away. I’ve gotten my teeth fixed and I’m very happy with the work the dentist did. Finally, both doctors are dead.

Don’t go to an old doctor, or you could die

Lucky for me, neither doctor I went to was a life and death situation. Suppose you go to an old doctor who’s on his way out, and you need some serious treatment. Odds are, he doesn’t want to mess with it, and you are shit out of luck.

By the way, the same thing applies to lawyers.

 

Odd, Strange & Funny, March 12th, 2017

If you go skydiving, what happens when your parachute doesn’t open?

parachuteIf you go sky diving, and your parachute does not open. don’t worry. It’s not the fall that’s going to kill you.

It’s going to be the impact when you hit the ground.

Odd, Strange & Funny, March 12th, 2017

Beautiful woman in a bikini

bikiniMost of the time, when a beautiful woman wears a bikini, men usually show her some respect.

They are very respectful and very polite. They only look at the covered parts.

Just Plain Funny, March 12th, 2017

How to get an A on your essay, the easy way, if you’re still in school

essayI’m taking a writing course at one of the local colleges. The professor gave us an assignment to write a 2,000 word essay.

I’m happy to say that I got an “A” on this essay. Now, only 1,999 words to go.

Inspiration, March 11th, 2017

How to get negative thinking completely out of your mind

negative thinkingNegative thinking cure – 2 things you need to do – It’s easy and it works everytime

Put a teaspoon in your right or left pants pocket. It doesn’t matter which one.

Whenever you catch yourself thinking a negative thought, move the teaspoon to the other pocket. Do this without exception.

During the first few days you will constantly have to move the teaspoon back and forth between your pockets. Over time you’ll get rid of the negative thinking before it ever enters your mind.

After a month, sometimes less, it becomes habit. You automatically know that you’re supposed to dismiss negative thoughts, and you’ve programmed yourself to do this. If they come back, put the spoon back in your pocket and scoop them away.

I’ve tried this, and I don’t have anymore negative thoughts. It works like a charm. Try it.

Enjoy! Don’t think negative. THINK POSITIVE.

Inspiration, March 11th, 2017

I thought I’d discovered the secret to immortality – I was just a kid

immortalityImmortality – There for the taking – So I thought

I remember it clearly. It was a hot, sunny, summer day. My Mom was hanging clothes outside on the clothes line. I was standing in the doorway, talking crazy stuff to her as children often do.

I don’t know what led to our conversation. Something having to do with eating collard greens came up. My Mom said to me, “You won’t grow up to be big and strong unless you eat your collard greens.”

I tried to reply as best I could by saying, “So, to grow up, I have to eat my collard greens?”

Mom said, “Yes, you have to eat healthy stuff like collard greens to grow up!”

Even more confused, I asked, “So if I stop eating collard greens, I won’t grow up?”

“That’s right!”, Mom said.

All I could think to say was “So if I stop eating collard greens, I won’t get old and die, and I’ll live forever?”

It took Mom almost a week to convince me to eat anything. That’s when I knew I just thought I’d discovered the secret to immortality.

Relationships, March 11th, 2017

Funniest and most creative way to propose marriage

propose marriagePropose marriage this way, and you will get a YES

First, ask your future wife to go skydiving with you.

Next, when you are both about to jump, ask her, “Are you scared?” You want her to say YES. She probably will because that’s the most expected answer.

Then say to her, “Don’t worry. I once experienced a more intense fall than this, without a parachute, and it worked out just fine.” Naturally, she’ll ask, “When?

Then, say to her, “When I fell in love with you. Will you marry me?

How can she help but say YES? Just one reminder. After you jump, please don’t forget to open your parachute.