Merjeo by Charlie

Funny, Wild, Crazy Stories

Home » 2015 » March

My Aunt saw Russian attacks through the TV

As the owner and creator of Merjeo, I have to come up with some crazy stuff. I grew up in a very colorful family. Over the years, we experienced some wild, crazy and weird happenings. What I am about to tell you is crazy, but it’s a true story.

GET DOWN! The Russians are coming

I once had a Great Aunt, on my Father’s side. She was a very sweat lady, and I loved her with all my heart. I would have done anything for her. However, she was crazy. She was my Grandmother’s sister – the Grandmother who was nuts. Like my Grandmother, she constantly had panic attacks. Unlike my Grandmother, her panic attacks were real, while my Grandmother was just putting on a show. What I’m about to share with you is something you almost had to see to believe. But this is exactly the way it happened.

60-second-panic-solution

Several years ago, I went to visit my Great Aunt. The minute I walked through the door, she screamed,

QUICK! GET DOWN! THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING. THEY’RE GONNA GET US!

I said, “WHAT ??????? Are you serious? How can you tell?”

She pointed to the TV screen and said, “That’s how I can communicate with them, and that’s how I know they are coming. I can see ’em!”

Immediately, I got the heck out of that house as fast as I could. A few weeks later, she entered the Sanitarium. They must have performed wonders on her. She was released a few years later, and was still high strung, but not crazy. She had a problem, but it was corrected. I had the opportunity to spend a little time with her before she passed away. I do miss her. If I were to say that she brought a little entertainment to my life, it would be an understatement.

It was not funny at the time, but as I look back and think about it, I can’t help but laugh.

My Grandmother was nuts, but Mother won’t say

panic-attacksI had two Grandmothers, who have both passed on.

The were both sweet ladies. I loved them both, but one of them constantly had panic attacks. Face it. She was my Grandmother, but she was just plain nuts. She was the Grandmother on my Father’s side, which made her my Mother’s Mother-in-Law.

I have asked my Mother several times, “Do you think Grandmother on Daddy’s side was nuts?” Her response is always the same, “I’m not going to say.” Then, I always respond, “You know she was, but you won’t say.” Again, she responds, “I’m not going to say.”

Today, I asked my Mother, “Do you think I’m nuts?” She responded, “I don’t think you’re nuts. I know you’re nuts.” Then, I said to her,

You won’t say that Grandma on Daddy’s side of the family was nuts, but you’ll say I’m nuts. She was your Mother-in-Law, but I’m your own flesh and blood.

My wife’s going into labor. What do I do?

going-into-laborHere’s an actual 911 call

  • Operator: 911, may I help you?
  • Caller: My wife is expecting. I think she’s going into labor. What do I do?
  • Operator: Is this her first born?
  • Caller: No. This is her husband.

Golf and Pool – Two good games but wrong players

Guaranteed to Cut 7 Strokes from Your Score

 

Where the games are played

Golf is played outdoors. The game is played on a golf course, which is hundreds of acres of land. Some golf courses are surrounded by trees and forests. With this much land available, there are plenty of places to hide. This is the kind of setting where you are likely to find thieves, cut-throats, robbers, gangsters and other such colorful characters.

Pool is played indoors. Pool tournaments are played in some of the swankiest hotels in the world. These hotels are resorts, where the rich and famous vacation every year. Some professional pool players still participate, all dressed up in tuxedos. This is nostalgic, and a reminder of the old days. This type of activity attracts aristocrats, high society, business people, successful people and pillars of the community.

 

The people who play the games

Many people, of all walks of life, play pool. Many people, both blue collar and white collar workers play golf.

In spite of where the games are played, and who hangs out in these places, the two games are associated with two entirely different groups of people.

Golf, which is played where cut-throats and gangster are likely to hang out, is associated with the aristocrats, high society, business people, successful people and pillars of the community.

On the other hand, pool, which is played where the upper class is likely to hang out, is associated with thieves, cut-throats, robbers, gangsters, safe crackers and other such colorful characters.

Shouldn’t this be the other way around?

Football, Baseball, Basketball – Change a few things

basketball-football-baseball

The three most popular sports are, Football, Baseball and Basketball. To many, these are the only activities that should be considered Sports.

There are some things in these three sports that make absolutely no sense. These are crazy, weird and bazaar. But remember, this is Merjeo, where everything is crazy, weird and bazaar.

Football

This is a great sport, and one that generates the largest audience of the entire year. This is on Super Sunday? There are, however, some things about football that make no sense.

The name of the sport is football. This is misleading, because only two players are allowed to use their foot – the kicker and the punter. They are very seldom in the game. If anyone else uses their foot, it will cost their team 15 yards. The object of the game is to hit the player with the ball. Therefore, the name should be changed to hitball.

Football is a man’s game. It’s not knitting or basket weaving. The guy with the ball is going to get his bell rung, and that’s the way it is. Therefore, the fair catch should not be allowed. If a player calls for a fair catch, he is pleading with the other team not to hit him, which defeats the purpose of the game.

Football’s overtime rule is all wrong. In the event of a tie, there should be an extra 15 minute quarter. Whoever is ahead at the end of this quarter wins. If there’s still a tie, do it again. If players complain because they are tired, TOO BAD! They should have won the game when they had the chance.

Baseball

All right! Our National Past time!

With baseball, the name is right, but it defies the object of the game, which is to get to home plate. Baseball has first base, second base, third base and home plate. Change the name of home plate to home base, and this problem is solved.

When a batter is hit by a pitch, he is awarded first base, and all is forgotten. This is all wrong. When this happens, the batter should be awarded all four bases, and a run scored. The same applies to anyone who is on base. Then, the pitcher should be warned. If he hits another batter, the same rule applies, and the pitcher is thrown out of the game. Just think about it. A batter can come up with the bases loaded. Instead of hitting a grand slam, and grand slam could hit him.

Basketball

This game is named correctly, because the object of the game is to get the ball in the basket. But there are two problems with the game.

The pros have a 24 second shot clock, which is OK. But the 35 second shot clock in college is too long. College players are younger and should be faster. Change the shot clock to 24 seconds. An even better idea would be to change the shot clock to 20 seconds in pro and college. Then you would see some serious fast breaks instead of that crappy slow down basketball, which is chicken basketball.

The only other problem with the game has nothing to do with the game itself. It’s the way the coaches dress. Most basketball coaches look like they stepped out of Brooks Brothers. Coaching is stressful. Why don’t they dress more comfortable? They are not going to church, a funeral or a formal dinner party. They are coaching a frickin basketball game. Football coaches dress like they are going to the golf course, which is comfortable. Baseball managers dress the same way as the players, which is appropriate. After all, you would not expect a basketball coach to wear shorts and a tank top. A football coach should not be expected to wear pads and a helmet. He is not the one getting his butt kicked.

How to stop emotional abuse once and for all

emotional-abuseA person who emotionally abuses you does it for one reason, and one reason only. He is screwed up. He literally hates himself, and tries to get you to do the same thing, which is hate yourself. But you know better, don’t you? This should tell you, right away, that this jerk-off doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Misery loves company. Once you realize this, you will stop his emotional abuse once and for all.

Here are some ways he will come after you, and how you can stop it right away.

Humiliation

What he does: He will criticize you and put you down in front of others. He’ll tell you that you are always wrong and he’s always right. He’ll ignore you when you try to talk to him.

What you should do: Don’t complain. Otherwise, he will just say, “I was just joking. You’re too sensitive.” What a horse’s ass! When he criticizes the way you are, just say, “You damned right! That’s the way I am. I love who I am and wouldn’t have it any other way.” If there are other people around, don’t be embarrassed. They will admire and respect you for standing up to him. They will agree with me – he’s a horse’s ass.

emotional-abuse

When he tells you that you are wrong and he is right, just smile and say, “You are one hundred percent right. Man, you are the greatest.” This will blow his mind. He won’t be able to say another word.

If he ignores you, so what? Who cares? In summary, agree with him, do it with a smile, and this will stop his humiliation. He does not like to be challenged. Challenge him, in a very tactful way, and this will stop it.

Guilt Trip

What someone did: When I was younger, someone constantly tried to put me on a guild trip. Every time I used the word “I” in a sentence, he would say, “I, I, I. That’s all you say. You are the most egotistical person I know. All you care about is your own G__ D_____ self!”

What I did: The first few times this happened, I wanted to go somewhere and hide. Then, I wised up. The last time he said this to me, I said, “You damned right! I am egotistical. I, I, I, I! Get used to it because you’ll be hearing it from now on. I’m going to keep saying “I” because I love who I am. If you don’t, that’s your problem.” He never criticized me for saying “I” again.

In Summary

Someone who emotionally abuses you feels the need to think he is big stuff, while deep down, he know he’s not jack s__t. Just smile at him. Agree with him. Let him know that you are happy and content with who and what you are. This takes away his domination and control over you. He would not have had this in the first place if you hadn’t allowed it. Now, you’ve called his bluff. You’ve challenged him. You’ve turned the tables. You’ve humiliated him. And he does not like it. Too damned bad! Do you think he’ll come after you again and let you humiliate him again? Not a chance!

He’s not going to hit you. He’s nothing but talk. His only weapon is his big mouth. You’ve taken this away from him. If he comes after you again, he’s got balls. But don’t worry. He won’t. You’ve ended it. Great job.

The most important thing is, DON’T let him or anyone make you feel bad about yourself. You know who you are, and you know better.

I just saved you about $500. That’s what a psychiatrist would have charged you for an hour of his time. I’m no psychiatrist, but I have been an abusee. There’s no substitute for experience. But let’s get something straight. You’re not the one who needs a psychiatrist. He is.

It is what it is. I love who I am. That’s the way it is, my way. If you don’t like MY WAY, take the HI WAY!

How to cure Insomnia

jack-van-impeIf you’re having problems sleeping at night, here are two things you can do that will cure it, permanently.

First, decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom.

This second thing you can do works even better. Decorate your bedroom so that it resembles a church. Contact Fathead and ask them if they can make you a wall poster of Jack Van Impe. Hang it on the wall where you can see it while lying in bed.

You’ll never have problems falling asleep again.

How to drive your dentist insane

dentistWhen he straps you comfortably in the chair, and puts the bib on you, tell him, “I’d like a lot taken off the sides. I don’t want too much taken off the top. Also, please taper the back.”

If you do this, you’d better hope your dentist has a sense of humor. If he doesn’t, he might extract your tongue instead of your tooth.

Silence is Golden, UNLESS . . . .

silence-is-goldenSilence is Golden,

Unless, you have a girlfriend, partner, or soul mate. It this case, Silence can be,

SUSPICIOUS

BEWILDERING

MIND BLOWING

PUZZLING

DANGEROUS

If your partner is a psycho, Silence can be,

FATAL!

 

How a man can please a woman and vice versa

please-a-womanHow a man can please a woman

  • Tell her you love her
  • Wine her and Dine her
  • Tell her she’s beautiful at least 20 times a day
  • Tell her you’d die for her
  • Buy her jewelry
  • Send her flowers
  • Every so often, spring a pleasant surprise on her
  • Be interested in whatever she is interested in
  • Be interested in anything she has to say
  • Spend time with her instead of watching the Final Four

How a woman can please a man

  • Show up naked
  • Bring the beer

Ever thought about going back in time?

going-back-in-timeHere’s an ad that an adventurer placed on Craigslist.

Wanted: Independent contractor willing to work with me. I’m looking for someone to go back into time with me. This is not a joke.

  • You will be paid up front. Your pay will be consistent with the current valuation of the dollar.
  • You can take your money with you and buy what you need. Money will go much farther.
  • You must furnish your own guns and knives.
  • Your safety is not guaranteed.
  • There is no guarantee you will or will not return. If you live long enough, you will return.
  • This can only be done once.

Serious Inquiries ONLY.

If you are interested, call (800) THE-PAST

post id: 1638547951 posted: 3 hours ago email to friend

5 Women you should never date

A Taker and not a Giver

taker

If you’re looking for a woman you’d rather take to the sack instead of marry, watch out for the taker. She will take all the time. Then when it comes time to give, she will either have a headache, or be on her period.

A Bad-Mouther

bad-mouther

I can’t stand women who say bad things about her ex boyfriend or husband. I could care less about any of her ex’s. Besides, if she would bad-mouth him, she would also bad-mouth you.

A Lazy Bitch

lazy

Some women want you to do, do, do for them. When it comes time to return the favor, they’re suddenly tired, or have a headache. Then, if you say something like, “What do I get in return?”, that headache starts throbbing more.

An Egotistical Bitch

ego

Men don’t hold the monopoly on egos. Women have just as big an ego as men, if not bigger. Also known as a self-centered bitch, this kind of woman just wants a man, to make her feel important. It happens to be you, but could be someone else if she thinks something better comes along.

A Stake-Out Queen

stake-out

This woman will watch every move you make. Whether she cares about you or not is immaterial. She cares more about herself. She wants to be in a relationship because it makes her feel important. The thought of you talking to another woman is a jolt to her ego. She is so into herself that her attitude is, “I don’t care for him that much, but he is mine and no one else can take him from me.” My advice is, don’t friend this bitch on Facebook. Otherwise, she will watch every move you make with you even knowing.

Gays, Afro Americans and Freedom of Choice

gays-afro-americansNo there is not a connection between the two. These are two mutually exclusive groups of people. But the way people are handling these two groups are very much the same. There are two wars going on at the same time.

The RACIAL war is ALL WRONG

If you want to deny that there is a racial war going on, you’d better wake up. It’s as real as it has ever been. And the sad part is, IT’S ALL WRONG.

This racial war must stop, and stop immediately. It must stop on both sides. There is one, and only one reason it must stop, and it is a very good reason. The reason has nothing to do with who Afro Americans are. They are people, just like everyone who came from his or her mother’s womb. They put their pants on one leg at a time. This is the reason it must stop.

They were born that way. It was not by choice. You racist ass holes, back off.

The GAY war is NOT RIGHT, but NOT NECESSARILY WRONG

This is a different matter entirely. No one is born gay. Of course, gay activists will tell you some BS sob story, such as, “Well, they can’t help the way they are.”

This is BS. If a guy is gay, it’s because he wants to be. No one twisted his arm. No one held a gun to his head. It’s all a mental thing. Maybe he’s struck out with women, and wants to try something new. Or maybe he is proof of an old saying, If you can’t hold a job, change your line of work.

They were not born that way. It was by choice. You gay haters, also back off.

I tell it like it is, but I’m fair. These people should also not be the target of discrimination, for one reason. If you discriminate against gays, you are trying to take away the greatest privilege we have,

Freedom of Choice

But let’s not get carried away. Allowing them to marry each other is a bit much, don’t you think?

SEX, SEX, SEX – It sells. Does chocolate sell?

Lindt Gourmet Truffles Gift BoxEvery time I post something having to do with sex here at Merjeo.com, it gets about 4 thousand visitors within 30 minutes. It’s not difficult to figure out what interests people. There is something else that should interest people as much as sex, but in a different way.

Chocolate – A substitute for SEX

Sex and chocolate are two things that people will not turn down.

It’s always been said the chocolate is a substitute for sex.

Chocolate also sells. Almost everyone likes chocolate. If someone doesn’t like chocolate, there has to be a very good reason.

Chocolate will stimulate you in a way that nothing else will.

Chocolate will bring you a lot of pleasure. Chocolate, in fact, is one of life’s best pleasures.

Chocolate is associated with happiness and good times.

People will go out of their way to get some good chocolate.

But, there are three things that make chocolate different from SEX

  • First, chocolate won’t stimulate you the same way as sex. I would be specific, but I think you get the general idea.
  • Second, if you want some of the best chocolate in the world, all you have to do is click on any link in this short article. You can’t get sex by clicking on a link. If I could arrange that, I would retire and live on the French Riviera.
  • Finally, will an article on chocolate get 4 thousand visitors within 30 minutes? WELL, let’s just see.

Sex and Chocolate – Two of life’s greatest pleasures.

How to handle a crazy person in a relationship

Let’s face reality. In a relationship, the woman thinks the man is crazy, and the man thinks the woman is crazy.

Chances are, they’re both right. Knowing this is the truth is very important. If one person in the relationship knows this, and admits that both are crazy, he or she has the advantage, and is more capable of dealing with it.

Here are seven situations you may have to deal with, and how you should deal with them. This is non-sexist. This is directed to both men and women.

7 Ways to Deal with a Crazy Person in a Relationship

The person tells you up front, “Be honest with me if you don’t like me.”

honestyIf someone in a relationship tells you this, don’t buy into it. They are full of s__t! Oh, they expect you to be honest with them, but they have no intention of being honest with you. This is the classic double standard. They don’t exactly like you, but they won’t tell you because they think they could learn to like you. They just want to string you along, just in case they have a change of heart, which they seldom do. But, if you’re honest with them, they get upset and say something like, “Why do you want to end this?”

If this is going on in your relationship, get the hell out. The person is playing games, and it will not get better in the near future.

 

The person is not sure they like or don’t like you, but they watch your every move

surveillanceWith the power of Social Media, your friend can watch everything you’re doing, without talking to you for a week. If you’re on Facebook, they get upset because they think you’re talking with someone else. If they don’t like you, why should this matter. The answer is, because they want to keep their claim to you, just in case. You won’t be able to take a dump, in fear that he or she is watching. Also, this takes away any margin of error in the relationship. Whatever you do, or don’t do, you are in for hell, my Friend.

If this is going on in your relationship, get the hell out. Everything you do will piss this person off.

 

 

The person won’t answer the phone, and then gets angry because you won’t call again

telephone-callOnce again, this person is showing all the earmarks of a gamer. It’s OK to talk if this person wants to talk. But if you want to talk and he or she doesn’t, that’s different. Here’s the old double standard again. DAMN, I hate double standards. What’s even more nauseating is, when you finally talk to them, they say something like, “I’ve been thinking about you, and I miss you.” This is BULL S__T!

Again, get as far away as you can. There is always something better out there.

 

 

 

The person rather text you, because they don’t want to talk to you

textingI’m not even going to deliberate on this. This is the coward’s way out. Again, this has to do with the first thing, which is, honesty.

 

 

 

 

 

If you are widowed, never get into a relationship with another who is widowed

widowedAll he or she will do is talk about their beloved soul mate who passed on a few years ago. Then, they will accuse you of doing the same thing, and say something like, “I don’t think you ever really got over him / her.”

 

 

 

 

If you are in a relationship, you probably became friends on Facebook

facebookThe old Social Media surveillance watch comes back to haunt you. By now, you know that this is not going to work, at lease, in the near future. The other person has done nothing but play games with you. No matter how much you care about this person, you know it will be difficult to save the relationship. It could happen, but it would take a miracle. But miracles do happen. But get out for now. If it is meant to work, it will, but it is entirely out of your hands. The best way to get out is, un-friend them on Facebook. This is not done out of spite and deception. You do this to spare yourself the pain from being reminded of what could have been. If you do this, it will royally piss them off. But what’s ironic is, they are not pissed because you un-friended them. They are pissed because you did it to them before they could do it to you.

 

 

If the person comes back, be kind, understanding, forgiving, and keep an open mind

happy-endingThe best day of my life was the day I realized I was crazy. Face it. Aren’t we all a little crazy? Once I accepted myself for who I am, I was at peace with myself. When a person finds out they’re crazy, they tend to change. If this person comes back to you, keep an open mind. If someone means a great deal to you, and is very special to you, then what happened in the past should not keep you from moving forward. There’s no such thing as being set in your ways. People can change, at all ages.

Who knows? If this person comes back, you may be enlightened on some things you did wrong in the relationship, but were not aware of. You may be surprised. In fact, this is exactly what happened to me in a relationship once. I was madly in love with this woman. We dated for about 8 months. Things were not going so good. I felt like she just took me for granted, and only wanted me when it was convenient for her. We broke up. I thought my chances of walking on the moon were better than our getting back together. I couldn’t get her off my mind. About a year and a half later, we got back together, and BOY did she tell me some things about myself? The funny part is, I agreed with her.

To make a long story short, we were married 8 months later. For almost 20 years, we had a very happy marriage until she was taken away from me by lung cancer.

If someone is crazy, that’s OK. Face it. We’re all a little crazy. Those who know they are crazy can start living a very happy life.

Michael Jordan with Adidas?

Michael-Jordan-Tiger-Woods

Did you know that Michael Jordan was about to sign with Adidas? The Company turned him down because they thought he was too short.

Unfortunately, for Adidas, the Company wanted a guy who was at least seven feet tall. To Adidas, this better represented the sport of basketball.

Just think about how this would have altered the course of history. First of all, if Adidas had signed Micheal, they probably would have signed Tiger Woods. Michael would still be Michael, and Tiger would still be Tiger. But what would have happened to the fates of Adidas and Nike?

By the way, Adidas would have probably turned down Tiger, because he was too tall.

Villanova CRY BABY just lost a basketball game

villanova-basketball
Don’t cry, Honey! All you lost is a basketball game. Villanova is not as good as North Carolina State. Don’t take it so hard. Life goes on. Get ’em next year.

It could have been worse. The flute player from Gone With the Wind just lost his brother.

It’s all a numbers game

numbersDo people ever get tired of being defined by numbers?

  • Their GPA
  • Their SAT score
  • Their IQ
  • Their weight
  • Their number of misdemeanor arrests
  • Their number of felony arrests
  • Their grades
  • Their Social Security number

The fact is, the numbers don’t really reflect who a person is.

How to handle a Cheapskate on a job interview

cheapskateA man went on a job interview, and was asked the following question,

What size shirt do you wear?

Out of curiosity, the man asked, “Why did you ask this question?” The response was,

I’m hoping you wear the same size as the guy you’re replacing. This way, I don’t have to buy any new Polo shirts.

What a Cheapskate!

What to do if you LOVE, or don’t LOVE someone

love-sexWhat do you do when you have love problems?

Here are the situations, and what you should do.

  • If you love someone, and they don’t love you, let it go.
  • If someone loves you, and you don’t love them, let it go.
  • If you just want to have sex with someone, do it if you can, or just let it go.

Actually, just drop everything, say “The Hell With It” and LET IT GO. Who cares?

Pay for your own gasoline JERK

gasolineI was at a gas station a few days ago, filling up my Chevy Pickup. A guy pulled up at the pump next to me, driving a brand new Mercedes. When the time came for him to pay for his gasoline, the amount was $40. He asked me if I would help him out, since he only had about $25 in his checking account.

I was more than willing to help him out. Then, he kind of paid me a compliment on my truck by saying, “That’s a cute little gadget you’re driving. Can’t you afford a bigger truck, or a Mercedes like the one I drive?” Then, I told him,

“Piss on you. Pay for your own damn gas.”

What is Diplomacy?

diplomacyDiplomacy can be many things.

Diplomacy can be, poise, politeness, delicacy, finesse, etc.

Diplomacy is being as nice to someone as you have to be.

Diplomacy can be politics, artfulness, and craft.

Diplomacy is making someone feel like you enjoy their company, while, deep down, you know that they are a gigantic PAIN IN THE ASS !

Diplomacy is not ignorance. On the contrary, most of the people to whom you have to show diplomacy are ignorant.

Diplomacy is not impoliteness, rudeness or bad manners. . . . BUT MOST IMPORTANT. . . .

Diplomacy is telling someone to GO TO HELL, after which they are very excited about making the trip.

 

Image: Malice

How long should grief last?

griefGrief can last as long a time as you want it to, or as little a time as you want it to. It’s your grief.

If you still grieve several years later after losing a loved one, some people will put you on a gilt trip by saying, “I don’t think you’ve ever gotten over it.”

Don’t let this get to you. Tell them to mind their own frickin business.

If you want it to, Grief can last forever. If you don’t want it to, move on. But never forget.

Grief has no time limit.