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Lifetime Movies are great, but not quite like real life

Lifetime Movies are good movies. However, the older movies on the LifeTime Movie Network are much better than the newer ones.

lifetime-movies

Ashley Jones in “Dead at 17”


6 reasons LifeTime Movies are not like Real Life

• Most, if not all of the things that happen in LifeTime Movies could never happen in real life.

• The movies follow a pattern. Someone who is up to no good comes into the life a person, and / or, a person’s family. Suddenly, bad things start to happen over and over again. Anyone who can’t figure out that the person is up to no good is a moron.

• In most of the LifeTime Movies, the villain prefabricates an affair, usually by the husband of the victim family, that never happened. Right away, the wife believes it, without listening to an explanation, and throws his ass out of the house. Usually, the explanation is, “This is NOT TRUE!”

• All LifeTime Movies have a happy ending. They all end with a potential deadly confrontation between the villain and the victim(s), and the villain is either killed or arrested. Let’s be realistic. In Real Life, there is not always a happy ending.

• After the nightmare is over, the wife apologizes to her husband for not believing him. In real life, the husband would probably say, “Screw you, Bitch! I need someone who has more faith in me!”

• Finally, everyone in the movies either went to Whittendale College, or wanted to go there. I tried Googling Whittendale, and got search results for fictional colleges. I still haven’t found out whether Whittendale exists or not. I don’t think anyone really knows.

The advantage of buying pants on sale

pants

Do you buy your pants on sale?

If so, that’s a good thing, . . .

Because at my house, . . .

They’re 100 percent off.

The secret of the long life – Learn from the Turtle

turtleThe rabbit spends his whole life running and jumping. He lives about 8 years.

The dog runs and plays. He lives for about 15 years.

People do all of these, and many live a very active lifestyle. They live for about 80 years.

The turtle does nothing but eat, sleep and shit. He lives for 150 years.

Now tell me. Where did we go wrong?

We can all learn a lesson from the turtle.

What do you do when your mind tells you you’re tired

tiredOne of the worst feelings in the world is when you mind tells you that you’re tired. You’re sleepy. You are so tired and sleepy that you feel you can barely make it home.

Finally, you make it home. You get into that bed like you’ve wanted to do for the last half hour.

Then your body tells you,

“You’re full of shit!”

What’s in the can

Help me figure out something.

If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs, meteor showers, nuclear warfare and chemical warfare, . . .

cockroaches

What in the HELL is in this can?

No more junk food – Doctor’s orders

junk-foodMy Doctor told me to start eating healthy. He specifically said, “No more junk food!”

This was no problem. Immediately, I started eating all of the junk food in the house.

After about 3 days, the junk food was gone.

No longer a problem. The temptation is gone. I ate it.

Going to the Bathroom takes on different meaning

bath-roomI decided to call my bathroom by a different name. Instead of John, I’m now calling my bathroom Jim.

This way, I can tell people when I’ve been to the bathroom, and not worry about what their reaction will be, not that I should care anyway.

When they ask me what I did this morning, I just say,

“I went to the Jim.”

Sound logical to me.

Older people at weddings used to drive me crazy

weddings

For years, every time I attended a wedding, at least two or three old people would come up to me, poke me and say,

“You’re Next”

This was a little annoying. I found a way to get back at them. I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

The other white meat

white-meat

 

I noticed this sign behind the bar in a restaurant, shortly after I ordered the Chicken Tenders.

Holy Shit !

How I turned into a Bitch

I didn’t turn into a Bitch overnight. It took years of people letting me down, pissing me off and Alcohol to get this good at it.
bitch

Decisions . . Decisions . .Decisions . . Decisions . .How to make them easier

Question: Of the 3, which one looks the best?

Answer: YES!

decisions

My Ex-Girlfriend’s Mother

ex-girlfriendEmail from Merjeo Reader:

Dear Merjeo,

My ex-girlfriend’s mother really got pissed off at her daughter. She said that her daughter didn’t treat me right, and she wanted to show me how a man should be treated. What should I do?


Response from Merjeo:

If you have to ask me this question, you need help. I think I know why her daughter is now your Ex-Girlfriend.

Sex isn’t everything, but most people LOVE IT!

Did you ever crave someone, not just for the sex, but for their touch, kiss, voice, or even, just their presence?
sex

Flo the Progressive Girl & Josephine the Plumber – Related?

BS or NOTTwo all time most popular women on commercials could be related?

Everyone knows Flo the Progressive Girl. She is cute, popular, and the most successful girl on a TV commercial.

Do you remember Josephine the Plunber? She was the sweet lady on the Comet Clenser commercial, during the 1960’s and early 1970’s. She is still alive and kicking at the age of 91.

These two successful and beloved characters have something in common. Besides being the two most popular ladies on TV commercials, suppose I told you that they have something else in common.

Flo the Progressive Girl - Josephine the Plumber

Flo is is a comically sincere, post-modern Josephine the Plumber who sincerely wants to help people solve a problem. When Josephine was popular, Flo admired her so, and wanted to follow in her footsteps. This is exactly what she is doing now, and has been doing for the last 9 years.

Why would Flo admire Josephine so much and want to follow in her footsteps? Simple. Josephine is her grandmother.

Is this BS or NOT? You Decide

What if you get held up with no cash? No problem! Some thieves now take credit cards

credit-thiefThe other day, I went to the Dollar Tree to buy a whole bunch of stuff, but ended up buying 4 things.

I didn’t have any cash, so I said to the cashier, “I feel funny using my debit card for such a small purchase. Is it all right?” She said, “That’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

Held up with no cash – You’re screwed

Then I said to her, “I never carry cash. I always use my debit card. If I am ever held up by a robber, I would be in big trouble.”

Suddenly, I was in a crazy, and joking mood, so I continued by saying, “Of course, it is my understanding that most thieves today will take plastic. They will take a debit or a credit card, and give you time to go to the teller machine and get the money. It wouldn’t surprise me if, in the very near future, thieves will tell you to stick ’em up, and then allow you time to go to the bank, and take out a loan to finance the robbery.”

BS or NOTThieves may ask for a credit reference in the future

Who knows? By this time next year, thieves may run credit checks on people they’re trying to rob. If their credit is approved, they’ll say, “Stick ’em up.” If their credit is declined, they’ll leave and go on to their next customer. Most likely, a thief wouldn’t kill you if your credit is declined. Most thieves are not necessarily killers. They just want your money. However, if you’re ever in this situation, don’t assume this is true. Get the hell out of there, as far away as you can, and as fast as you can.

I wouldn’t be surprised if many thieves don’t even load their gun on a job. And I’d almost bet the farm that he’s not going to report anyone’s bad credit to TransUnion, Experian or Equifax.

Armed robbery is against the law. But to thieves, it’s a business. They too want to stay in the black, and they’re also being hit by the economic crunch.

credit repair

 

Are you ready for Tailgate Season, 2017?

tailgate-season

 

Tailgate Season will be here in a little more than a week.

Some people will say, “Screw the Football Game. It’s just a good excuse to get together, party, drink and have a good time.”

But just in case you are looking forward to the football games, this is going to be a fantastic season.

What is your favorite team?

tailgate-season

 

Women get a bad rap. It’s sad, and it’s very unfair.

womenWhen a man refuses to do something he should do, people will say he has integrity.

When a woman refuses, people say that she’s temperamental.

Put another way, when the man acts this way, he is labeled a stud, or a macho man. You very seldom hear about the man being labeled a bastard.

When the woman does it, she is labeled a bitch.

This is so very unfair to women because without them, the world would not be worth living in.

Not sure what it means to be a Best Friend?

best-friend

 

I have had many best friends during my lifetime. But this is very depressing.

I can’t remember the time when I was someone else’s best friend.

Sometimes, a man has to cry

Over the years, the man has always been the stronger of the two genders. He has to be strong for his lady when things are not good. But sometimes, even a man can’t help himself, and has to cry.
cry
 
cry

How toy makers remember the Titanic

titanic

 

So, it took a toy maker over 100 years to remember the tragedy of the Titanic. It’s a good thing no one who was on the ship is still around.

I wonder if it will take them 100 years to start making 9 11 toys.

Why you should stay away from Fast Food Restaurants

fast food restaurants

 

The food at the fast food restaurants tastes good. But the better something tastes, the worse it is for your health.

This is what I look time every time I eat a McDonald’s Happy Meal.