Merjeo by Charlie

Funny, Wild, Crazy Stories

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The secret of the long life – Learn from the Turtle

turtleThe rabbit spends his whole life running and jumping. He lives about 8 years.

The dog runs and plays. He lives for about 15 years.

People do all of these, and many live a very active lifestyle. They live for about 80 years.

The turtle does nothing but eat, sleep and shit. He lives for 150 years.

Now tell me. Where did we go wrong?

We can all learn a lesson from the turtle.

What do you do when your mind tells you you’re tired

tiredOne of the worst feelings in the world is when you mind tells you that you’re tired. You’re sleepy. You are so tired and sleepy that you feel you can barely make it home.

Finally, you make it home. You get into that bed like you’ve wanted to do for the last half hour.

Then your body tells you,

“You’re full of shit!”

What’s in the can

Help me figure out something.

If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs, meteor showers, nuclear warfare and chemical warfare, . . .

cockroaches

What in the HELL is in this can?

Not sure what it means to be a Best Friend?

best-friend

 

I have had many best friends during my lifetime. But this is very depressing.

I can’t remember the time when I was someone else’s best friend.

The Creepy Fact about a Thrift Store

thrift-store

 

This Creepy painting was seen on the wall in a thrift store. It’s worth about $500 on Ebay.

But that’s not what is creepy about thrift stores. Today, they’re selling things for $300 that they once sold for $1.50. Now that’s creepy. Gone are the good old bargain days.

The next best thing to drinking your own piss

drinking-piss

 

“When I have a hard time drinking my own piss, . . .

Samuel Adams Beer with Helium is the next best thing.”

Hey Guys, 8 reasons you’d buy sanitary napkins for your girlfriend?

1. Minimize the bitch-i-ness

sanitary-napkins

When your girlfriend asks you to pick up some sanitary napkins at the store for her, you know what’s getting ready to happen. She’s about to enter that time of the month when she is going to be a real bitch. You don’t want to make her mad. If you make her mad now, and she becomes a bitch before she’s supposed to, you’re about to get a double dose of hell on earth.

2. Make every minute count

sanitary-napkins

When she asks to to get sanitary napkins for her, chances are she’ll need them in the very near future. Otherwise, she’d have some on hand for an emergency. Do what she wants. Make her happy. Say, “Yes my darling, I’d love to.” Then, you will have a golden opportunity to get a little extra loving before she is classified as “Off Limits”.

3. Compare them to other gross items you buy for her

sanitary-napkins

If your girlfriend asks you to pick up a box of Kleenex to blow her nose, or a roll of toilet paper to wipe her ass, you’d do it without thinking about it. Why should buying her sanitary napkins be any different?

4. Think of what she does for you

sanitary-napkins

If you and your girlfriend live together, you both have laundry. Most likely, both of you do the laundry at some point. When she does the laundry, she has to load your dirty underwear into the washer and see your shit stains. I’d rather buy her Kotex any day than look at shit stains.

5. Life is good for you

sanitary-napkins

There’s no shame in buying your girlfriend a box of sanitary napkins. In fact, it’s a very good sign. It means you’re getting laid, but probably not tonight.

6. Think of other stressful buying situations

sanitary-napkins

Do you remember the time when you were not quite 21? How many times did you go to the store to get a 6 pack of beer, praying that you would not be asked for your ID? Perhaps you went to the store with a fake ID. How could buying sanitary napkins be more stressful than this?

7. Use it to your advantage

sanitary-napkins

The next time you go to the store to buy sanitary napkins for your girlfriend, ask the prettiest girl working there to help you. She’ll love you. Who knows? While your girlfriend is “Off Limits”, there may be someone else in the picture who is ready, willing and able. Of course, if you’re married, don’t do this. Merjeo does not condone infidelity.

8. Think of other things you’d buy for her

sanitary-napkins

You’d have no reservations about buying her a beautiful, sexy negligee for a romantic evening. Why should you frown at buying her sanitary napkins? They both have to do with the crown jewel.

Which picture is real, and which is the fake?

This picture was supposedly taken from the Space Shuttle, about 25 years ago.
earth-space-shuttle

This picture was was captured from Google Earth, about 25 minutes ago.

earth-space-shuttle
Which picture is real, and which is the fake?


 

There is only one reason you’d want to make a will

willThe only reason you would want to make a Last Will and Testament is simple. It only has to do with C Y A.

This means:

Cover Your Ass-ets.

 

Top 17 funny questions that get people pissed off at each other

top 17 funny questionsAre zippers better than velcro?

Why are the buttons on men’s shirts on the right, but on women’s blouses, on the left?

Do parents spank their kids enough?

Should the legal drinking age be lowered to 18?

If croutons are stale bread, why are they stored in cellophane?

Does the hot dog qualify as a sandwich?

Why do people press harder on a remote control when they know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee for insufficient funds when they know there is not enough money in the account?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

When people look for something they’ve lost, why do they look in pockets of clothes they haven’t worn in years?

Should the Pope start wearing a different style hat?

Could Sarah Palin whip President Obama in a street fight?

Should Medicaid cover breast implants?

Are sagging pants genuinely fashionable attire?

And the number one question is: Could you survive for 30 days without your smart phone?

Teach a man how to fish and you’ve created a monster

Teach a Man How to FishTeach a Man How to Fish – Very common when people ask others for help

The idea is simple. The person who is giving someone help and guidance could just give him a fish. The problem is, he will eat the fish, and come back for more.

Don’t just give him a fish. Show him how to get his own fish, and he’ll never mess with you again. Otherwise, you’ll never get rid of him.

Adaptions to the expression, Teach a Man How to Fish

  • Teach a man how to hold a gun, and he will rob a bank.
  • Teach a man how to run a bank, and he will rob the World.
  • Teach a man how to shoot a gun, and he will kill someone.
  • Teach a man how to seduce a woman, and he will take your wife.
  • Teach a man about sex, and he will screw you royally.

 

 

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure – Be careful who you say this to

One mans trash another mans treasureTwo situations when you would never use this expression

  • Never say this to your adopted son
  • Never say this to the woman you married

Two more situations when you can use this expression

  • When you’re about to get a divorce
  • If you own a business, when you’re about to fire someone

If you go skydiving, what happens when your parachute doesn’t open?

parachuteIf you go sky diving, and your parachute does not open. don’t worry. It’s not the fall that’s going to kill you.

It’s going to be the impact when you hit the ground.

Beautiful woman in a bikini

bikiniMost of the time, when a beautiful woman wears a bikini, men usually show her some respect.

They are very respectful and very polite. They only look at the covered parts.

Talking about dead people – Why is this so wrong?

talking about dead peopleTalking about dead people is like singing at the table. About a hundred years ago, someone made up this rule. Why should we suffer because some jerk screwed it up for everyone?

If a guy was bad while he was living, is he suddenly good because he is dead?

Ted Bundy was a serial killer. rapist, pedophile and necrophilia (the act of enjoying the company of a dead corpse or probably doing sick things to it) ever since he first realized his penis could get erect. He killed more than 36 women, that are at least accounted for. He was fried in 1989.

Oh, sorry! I can’t talk about him because he’s dead.

Bernie Madoff is an American fraudster and a former stockbroke and investment adviser. He swindled at least 72 people out of their life savings. Presently, he’s serving a 150 year prison term.

OK! I can talk about him because he’s not dead.

Why didn’t the big cats drive humans to extinction?

humansHumans vs the Big Cats

Humans are dangerous animals. When they go up against the big cats, they think of it as going against another human who is unarmed. Most people are never unarmed.

 

Humans are very good at creating weapons to defend themselves – and to kill. They’re also found in groups. A big cat going against a group of people is suicide. Occasionally, one might catch a guy off guard, but not often.

Finally, humans and the big cats kill for different reason. The big cats kill because they are hungry or threatened. People kill for fun.

If the U S is so advanced, why are there still wooden houses

wooden housesIn the days of the Old West, wooden houses were the only houses, assuming the old western movies are accurate.

Europe had wooden houses back in the middle ages. They don’t have them anymore.

Why do the people in the United States think we’re so advanced, while many people still live in wooden houses? Are we going backwards.

By the way, I’m building a new house, and guess what it’s going to be. It’s going to be a log cabin. According to this, I’m behind the times.

Strange, but people like to say, “Go back where you came from”

go back where you came fromLike the pot calling the kettle black

Not many people in America has the right to tell someone “Go back where you came from.

Almost everyone came from somewhere. The only ones who didn’t come from somewhere else are the Indians. They are the only ones who have to right to say this.

Have you ever heard an Indian tell someone,

“Go back where you came from!”

Is it possible to get something for nothing? Of course it is

something for nothingWhere did all this stuff come from? Osmosis?

When the world first started, there was:

  • No food
  • No money
  • No building materials
  • No plans
  • No designs
  • No dreams
  • No luck

There was nothing. So, why is their prosperity today?

The cave man pulled it out of his ass.

Why people use a middle initial instead of a middle name

middle initialSome middle initials are old or weird names?

I know someone whose middle name is Dorothy. She’s only 18. Her parents are either Wizard of Oz fanatics or insane.

I also knew someone whose middle name was Stanley. He got his ass kicked at school every day. With an old, grandfather type name like that, he’s just asking for it.

My family doctor’s middle name is Patrick. How many people do you know who are addressed as Patrick?

I once knew someone whose firsts name was Dominic. His middle name was Joe, so that’s cool. To simplify the situation, he just identified himself as D.J. That’s even more cool. This guy had it together.

Finally, there’s O.J. Simpson. Remember him? O.J. stands for Orenthal James. Holy shit.

Now you know why people use a middle initial instead of a middle name.

A word to the environmentalists

environmentalistsIf you are a liberal how would you fix the environment?

Humans and animals are living longer.

People have healthier lungs thanks to everyone seeing the light about cigarettes.

Skin cancer is declining. People can be treated before ailments, as opposed to dying 60 years ago.

We are no longer in the ice age.

So how would you make it better?

Tell the environmentalists to stop finding something to bitch about.

Have you ever tried to make sense out of some dreams?

dreamsThere is a very good reason why most dreams make no sense

Suppose you have a dream, and then, wake up and immediately remember your dream.

You try to sort it out. Most of the time, you come to the conclusion that your dream made absolutely no sense at all.

But think about this. In the Bible, when Jesus fed 5 thousand people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, did this make any sense?

The two most spectacular events on the planet

spectacular events2 Spectacular Events – One happy and one sad

You haven’t lived until you’ve attended both of these events. One is an Italian Wedding, and the other is a Black Funeral.

Italian Wedding

Being Italian, I’ve been to a bunch of these. Some of them began at 6PM and didn’t end until 2PM the next afternoon. I’m not BS’ing you.

You have to see it to believe it. At every Italian Wedding, you can be sure that there will be some drunk people who have to be carried out because they can’t walk. In fact, when planning an Italian Wedding, I’ve known of a few families that hired professionals to play the part of drunks to add more to the festive occasion. But most families don’t do this. There will be enough drunks there, and you will not be disappointed if you attend one of these spectacular events.

Black Funeral

There’s nothing on the planet like it. I’ve been to a bunch of these, and have always walked away feeling better. If you watched the funeral of James Brown on TV about 11 years ago, you have a pretty good idea of what they’re like. This was no exaggeration.

The last one I attended was for a friend by the name of Sam Smith. At the beginning, a preacher, about 7 feet tall stood up and said, “You’ll notice the program doesn’t say ‘The Late Sam Smith’. Brother Smith’s not late. Brother Smith’s on time. We’re the ones who are late.” I knew this was going to be a festive event. It was as good as the funeral of James Brown, and it lasted about 3 hours. No one was in a hurry to leave.

Finally, I know something for a fact. In a business I owned several years ago, I had many clients that were black funeral homes. I was told more than once that the funeral directors actually hire actors to play the part of grieving family members.

That’s what a black funeral is like – plenty of celebration, and lots of screaming. There’s nothing like it.

Why are smart people so quiet? I can give 9 reasons

smart-people9 reasons smart people are so quiet

  • They’re thinking of ways to strangle someone with the belt of their pants without anyone noticing it.
  • They’re waiting for the room they’re in to run out of oxygen, while they’re close to the exit for a grand escape.
  • They’re thinking, “What the hell have I done to deserve being around these morons?”
  • They’re trying to make sense of what everyone else is saying, but can’t.
  • They are slowly trying to leave the room without anyone noticing.
  • They don’t agree with what’s going on in relationships, and since they were younger, decided it’s better to go home and write about it.
  • They’re trying to prevent themselves from dying from boredom.
  • They’re always thinking about the part they can play in carving this Country up, piece by piece.
  • For everyone they meet, they’re thinking about how they can screw them in a business deal.