Merjeo by Charlie

Funny, Wild, Crazy Stories

Home » Archive by category "Odd, Strange & Funny" (Page 2)

Sometimes I think I’m seeing things, even with my eyes closed

seeing thingsSeeing things that are not really there, or are they?

Many times, when I’m lying down and relaxing with my eyes closed, I have the strangest experiences. I’m actually seeing things. This is not BS.

I see ugly faces. If you’re reading this, you may think I’m crazy. But I’m telling you the truth. The ugly faces I see are similar to the image on the left. The only thing that’s certain is, I’ve never seen the same face twice.

At first, I thought demons were invading me, Then, I said, “Hell, I didn’t ask them to come here.

Several years ago, when I was attending graduate school in New Orleans, someone I met at school told me that he prayed a lot. Every time he prayed, he said, he saw faces that were so ugly that it scared him to death. This guy scared me to death because I thought he was nuts. Now, the same thing is happening to me.

Am I nuts? Hell no, but I know what I see. Is this BS or NOT? You don’t have to decide. I’ll decide. It’s not because, again, I know what I see. Is this Deja Vu?

BS or NOT

Mystery of Dreams that blows you mind

dreamsWhen did I have this dream?

Have you ever remembered a dream you had, but couldn’t remember when you had it?

Sometimes you remember a dream. Then, you ask,

“I know I had this dream, but when?

Was it last night?

Maybe it was two weeks ago.

It’s possible I could have had it a year ago.”

You don’t know exactly when you had the dream. Every time you think of a time when you had it, it seems perfectly logical. The only thing you don’t know for sure is, when you had this dream. This is strange. Does this have anything to do with Deja Vu?

Forget the mystical phenomenon about the tree in the forest

mystical phenomenonThe oldest mystical phenomenon known to man is:

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, is there any noise?

More original mystical phenomenon ‘s

When you walk from one room in your house to another room, is the room you just left still there?

When you look at a tall building, and then take your eyes off it and look at another building, is the first building you looked at still there?

After you leave your home in the morning to go to work, and kiss your wife goodbye, does your wife still exist?

 

Finally, when you’re relaxing, and alone, is the rest of the world there?

Summary

Are things there just so we can see them? Are things not there when we’re not around to see them?

The answer to the question about the tree is,

“NO ! If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, there is NO noise. Noise is an unpleasant sound that causes disturbance. If there’s no one around to disturb, there is NO noise.”

The worst feeling in the world – This makes you look forward to a hangover

hangoverIt’s almost a person’s sacred duty to get drunk occasionally

Rule Number 1: If you want to get drunk, go ahead. Just make sure you stay at home, out of danger, and don’t drive. I see no problem with this. It’s a person’s sacred duty to do this every once in a while.

Rule Number 2: If you decide to get drunk, do not, I repeat, DO NOT get drunk on wine. It you decide not to take my advice, let me give you a description of what you have to look forward to.

This makes a hangover feel like a picnic

If you’ve never been drunk on wine, this is something you have to experience to believe.

You don’t really feel any different at first. Then, you try to sleep if off. Suddenly, you feel something moving. You can’t tell if it’s the bed, the covers, the mattress, the room or the house. It’s worse then being in the Twilight Zone. You can’t stay in that bed, so you go to the place where you think you’ll get relief, but I’m afraid you’re in for a disappointment.

You do to the bathroom. You have to go. And when I say go, I really mean go. You sit on the toilet. The problem is, you also need a toilet in front of you.

That’s right. You have it coming out of both ends of your body at the same time. And that, my friend, is

The Worst Feeling in the World!

This has happened to me twice in my life. You may be asking, “Why did you do it a second time?” I guess I could say that I was young, cocky, and didn’t believe it the first time.

Both times, I was never more happy to have a hangover in my life!

There are some people in the world who remind me of a slinky

slinkyWhat some people & a slinky have in common

Some people in this world are drab, boring. There’s nothing to them. Such is the case with a slinky.

Both are not really good for much, But they have one thing in common. If you push them and watch them roll down the stairs, they sure do bring a little happiness to your life.

The difference between the favor doer and the favor receiver

favorEvery time someone does a major, life-changing favor for another person, there is always a difference in attitude.

The person who receives the favor remembers it until they are in their grave.

The person who does the favor forgets it 5 minutes after the favor is done.

Excellent message for people with a big ego

egoBIRTH: Given to people by other people

NAME: Given to people by other people

EDUCATION: Given to people by other people

INCOME: Given to people by other people

THE OFFICE OF PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Given to people by other people

RESPECT: Given to people by other people

FRIENDS, LIKES & FOLLOWS ON FACEBOOK: Given to people by other people

FIRST & LAST BATH: Will be given to people by other people

AFTER DEATH, YOUR PROPERTY & BELONGINGS: Will be taken from people by other people

FUNERAL SERVICE: Will be done for people by other people

I can’t imagine why people have ego problems during their lives.

5 things you’ve probably never known about cucumbers

cucumbersCucumbers are the ultimate health food. They’re high in fiber, not fattening, and they taste good, if you can develop a taste for the damn things.

There are 5 other things you probably didn’t know about cucumbers.

    They dissolve kidney and bladder stones

    They heal stomach ulcers

    They relieve headaches

    They promote healthy skin

    Finally, they make you piss like crazy.

The 6 Rules of Life – You may not need number 6

6 rules of lifeHere are the 6 rules of life

1. Be kind to others. Assume that others are doing the best they possibly can.

Be kind to yourself. I assume you are doing the best you possibly can.

3. Never be satisfied. If you do the best you possibly can, do it better. Reach deep down. There’s always more.

4. Be willing to let things go. Forgive yourself first. Then, forgive others for their screw-ups. People are human, and this includes you.

5. If you follow these first 4 rules, SMILE! It should all be working out the way you want it to.

6. If you’re walking around with your Head up your Ass, start with number 1 and read these damn rules over and over again.

After all these years, why can’t the Leaning Tower of Pisa be fixed?

Leaning Tower of PisaIf you’re a fan of The Andy Griffith Show, you may remember the episode entitled The Church Benefactors. Recall, an old member of the Church died, and left the Church $500, with the condition that the money be put to practical use. Aunt Bee wanted the money to be used for Choir Robes. Howard Sprague wanted to use the money to fix a structural problem in the Church, whereby, the Church was leaning to the left due to a drainage problem. The committee that made the decision on how to use the money consisted of Andy, the Reverend and Martha Clark. Martha voted for the robes. The Reverend voted to fix the leaning Church. As usual, Andy was left in the position where her was damned if did, and damned if he didn’t. Fortunately, Andy didn’t have to make a decision, because the Church was fixed by flooding the other side, and making it lean and straighten out. Click here is you want to watch the episode.

My point is, if the people on the Andy Griffith were able to figure out how to repair the leaning Church, why hasn’t someone figured out a way to fix the Leaning Tower of Pisa?

 

How to get good ideas – This will work and it never fails

how-to-get-good-ideasOne of the hardest things to do is come up with good ideas. You have probably told yourself many times, “If I can come up with one good idea, I’d be set for life.” Now, there is a way.

Follow these 3 steps

First, fill a glass with water to the brim. Don’t use a coffee cup, or Styrofoam cup. The method won’t work unless you use a glass.

Second, before you go to bed, hold the glass with both hands, close your eyes and drink half the water. While drinking, think of the ideas you’re trying to come up with. After drinking the water, don’t say another word. Place the half filled glass on the night table, and go to bed.

Third, if you wake up with a good idea, drink the rest of the water normally. If you don’t wake up with a good idea, hold the glass with both hands, close your eyes and drink the rest of the water. Again, while drinking, think of the ideas you’re looking for. Within an hour or two, your mind will be flooded with good ideas.

Is this BS or NOT? NO, IT IS NOT!

Culinary Schools don’t allow weapons, just knives

culinary schoolsDid you know that most Culinary schools do not allow their students to carry pepper spray? They consider this a weapon.

It’s all right to carry a case filled with sharp knives. They teach people how to take a knife, and cut a whole animal into small pieces. They also show students how to sprinkle pepper on the dead animals.

They don’t allow pepper spray because it’s too dangerous. Knives are much safer, according to the school.

6 new rules for proper table manners

Everyone knows about the standard rules, such as, wash your hands before dinner, don’t eat with your fingers, don’t talk about disgusting things at the tabledon’t talk with your mouth full, etc.

Here are some new rules that no one has ever heard about, and until now, have never thought about. They are a little different, but at least they make sense.

6 rules for good table manners

Start Dining if Your Companion is Late

Start Diningi f Your Companion is Late

If your dinner companion is late, go ahead and start dining without him. If you told him that dinner was at 7:30, you MEANT, 7:30. If he’s late, that’s his little red wagon. Go right ahead. Dig in. Enjoy the delicious food. If he gets mad at you for not waiting on him, PISS ON HIM!

Don’t Smoke Cigarettes at the Table

Dont Smoke Cigarettes at the Table

It’s OK to smoke a cigar, or a pipe. Just don’t smoke a cigarette. Cigarettes are not associated with dining. They are associated with sex. If you are a woman, and you enjoy smoking, learn to smoke a cigar or pipe. Otherwise, you are S O L!

Whatever is Passed to You, Don’t Return it

pass-the-salt

It has always been common courtesy to return something that you have asked someone to pass to you, once you’ve used it. But why? Who made up this bazaar rule? When you ask someone to pass the salt, and you put some on your food, why should you have to return it? If the guy who passed it to you makes a stink about it, tell him, “You didn’t give me the impression that you were about to use it. It was just sitting in front of you.”

If the Food Tastes Bad, be Honest

bad-tasting-food

Don’t tell someone that the dinner is delicious if it tastes like it was seasoned with a pair of three week old gym socks. If you do this, people will see right through you and know you are lying out of your ass.

Sing at the Table

singing-at-the-table

If your mouth is full of food, don’t do this. Otherwise, it is OK. I’ve never understood the logic. What’s wrong with singing at the table? If you’re sitting down, you can’t sing. If you stand up, you can sing. This is BS. About a hundred years ago, someone made up this rule. Why should we suffer because some jerk screwed it up for everyone?

When you Finish Dinner, Put your Napkin in your Plate

dirty-napkin

If it’s a paper napkin, this doesn’t matter, because you can just toss it into the trash basket. This only applies to cloth napkins. Never do what you have probably been taught, which is, place your napkin on the table, or on the chair. Here’s the logic. You have wiped your mouth with this napkin. If you place it on the table or the chair, you will spread germs. Don’t worry about the plate. It will be washed, and so will the napkin – I HOPE!

What if your dog could talk? What would he say?

dogI have two adorable Boston Terriers. The Black one is Dixie Rose, and the brown one, Holly Ann. I’ve had them since they were puppies. When I first got them, I could hold them both in the palm of my hand.

Over the years, the most frustrating thing about having them is, knowing they can’t tell me what they’re thinking. There were times I would have really loved for them to be able to talk to me, particularly when they have seemed to be pissed off at me for something. I have a pretty good idea what they would have said to me at certain times, but I’d rather hear it in their own words.

 

 

If my 2 dogs could talk, this is what they would say to me

It’s raining and you expect me to go out and pee in it? Are you crazy?

Daddy, I’m sick and tired of that damn Eukanuba. Feed me some good stuff, like Rachel Ray.

Are you trying to bribe me with another treat? I’m on to that.

Daddy, don’t hurt me. I didn’t mean to pee on the floor. Hell, when you gotta go, you gotta go!

Hell, Daddy. You pee in the pool all the time. What’s the difference between that, and peeing on the floor?

We’ll go back inside when I’m ready. I haven’t found the right spot to do my business.

Why don’t you get your butt out there in the freezing weather and go pee? Turnabout’s fair play!

Ugh……Fine

8 little known facts about toilet paper

toilet-paper8 Facts about toilet paper that few people know

  • We are living in a sophisticated world now. Toilet paper is no longer called toilet paper. It’s called bathroom tissue. If Publix or Kroger runs a sale on toilet paper, and place it in their ads, they would never call it toilet paper.
  • The Italians have their own name for toilet paper, Super Duper Culo Scooper. I learned this from my Dad, many years ago.
  • There are many products in the supermarket that people could do without, if they had to. Toilet paper is not one of them. Some have tried going back to the old fashioned way, using the corn cob. However, this can get a little messy.
  • Because of the demand for toilet paper, this is one product that will never stop selling. It’s recession proof. If you go into the toilet paper business, you could make a fortune.
  • Did you know that half of the population prefers soft toilet paper, while the other half prefers course toilet paper? And each half is not even aware that the other exists.
  • Some people still prefer the pretty pastel colored toilet. Others actually believe that the colored toilet paper will cause rectal cancer. This is a crock of s__t, no pun intended.
  • Did you know that half of the population wipe sitting down, while the other half wipes standing up? Once again, each half is not even aware that the other exists.
  • Finally, there is an art to wiping. The trick is to get all of the stuff you wipe on the toilet paper, and none on your hand. Some people have mastered this art.

Finally, did you know that toilet papers is the world’s most perfect product?

Pyramid Schemes – How they were then, and how they are now

pyramid-schemesI first heard of a pyramid scheme in 1980. A former college professor called me one night to see if I had become successful yet. He wanted to meet with me the next day at my home. When he arrived, he told me how nice it would be to make $50 thousand a year, which was good money then. Then I said to myself, “Oh No! This guy is up to something.” Right away, he started drawing circles on a presentation board. To make a long story short, this was my introduction to Amway. From that point on, he almost drove me crazy.

Amway is the grandfather of pyramid schemes, so I’ll use them to make my point. But what I am about to say applies to all pyramid scheme guys. Since Amway, thousands of pyramid schemes that have come and gone. Then, they were through personal contact. Now they are digitized, computerized, and online.

These pyramid scheme guys drove you crazy THEN, and still drive you crazy NOW

Here are 10 things you should Do and Never Do when an Amway Distributor drives you crazy – THEN and NOW.

10 Do’s and Never Do’s with an Amway Distributor if you’re not interested

 

 THEN  NOW
Never give your telephone number to an Amway Distributor.

If he calls you, don’t return the call.

Never call the Amway Distributor.

Never give your home address to an Amway Distributor.

If the Amway Distributor gives you a tape to listen to, take it, but put it on the shelf.

If an Amway Distributor won’t take no for an answer, threaten to whip his ass.

If he still won’t take no for an answer, get a restraining order.

If he still won’t take no for an answer, go ahead and whip his ass.

Never get stuck in an elevator with an Amway Distributor.

Never give an Amway Distributor the slightest hint that you may be interested.

Never give your cell phone number to an Amway Distributor.

If he texts you, don’t return the text.

Never text the Amway Distributor.

Never give your email or website name to an Amway Distributor (if you have one).

If an Amway Distributor recommends a YouTube video to watch, watch something else.

If an Amway Distributor won’t take no for an answer, threaten him through cyber bullying.

If he still won’t take no for an answer, block him on Facebook.

If he still won’t take no for an answer, hack his Facebook and email accounts.

Never get caught in a chat room with an Amway Distributor.

Never like or share anything on Facebook with the Amway Distributor.

 

 

How to survive animal attacks

If you want to know how to survive an animal attack, it depends on the animal that attacks you.

how-to-survive-animal-attacks-bears

Bear

First, you can try making friends with it, but don’t count on it. You can roll yourself into in a ball, roll on the ground towards the bear, and you may appear to be threatening. The bear might think you’re crazy, and this may scare it away, but again, don’t get your hopes up.

 

 

 

 

how-to-survive-animal-attacks-sharksSharks

First, when you get into the water, make sure you don’t have any cuts or wounds. Otherwise, it will tear your ass up. Try thumping it on the nose. If this doesn’t help, thump it in the balls.

 

 

 

how-to-survive-animal-attacks-wolvesWolves

Since the wolf is a canine, like your lovable dog, it may have a little love in its blood, but this is unlikely. Try throwing a stick, hoping it will fetch it. Then run like hell. Don’t ask it to lick you on the cheek. Otherwise, it may do it with two exceptions – with its teeth, and on another part of your body. By the way, these same methods also apply it you’re attacked by a coyote.

 

 

 

how-to-survive-animal-attacks-geeseGeese

If you see one goose, just ignore it, and think to yourself, “If I don’t bother it, it won’t bother me.” But if it starts chasing you, there’s nothing you can do. Run like hell. If a flock of geese chase you, you’re screwed.

 

 

 

 

how-to-survive-animal-attacks-waspsWasps

Now a wasp will probably not bother you if you don’t bother it. Ignore it, and it is very unlikely it will sting you. If you run into a temperamental fellow, and get stung, chew some tobacco and spit on the wound.

 

 

 

 

how-to-survive-animal-attacks-snakesSnakes

Like the wasp, a snake is not likely to bother you if you don’t bother it. There are three ways to survive a snake attack. The first is, don’t piss it off. The second is, if you see a snake, get the hell away. Finally, stay out of the blackberry bushes. Buy your blackberries at Publix. It’s a lot safer.

 

 

how-to-survive-animal-attacks-crocodilesCrocodiles

Sorry Pal. Your time has come. All you can do is run as fast as you can. You can try holding its mouth closed, which will disable the crock. Eventually, you’ll get tired of holding its mouth. Unfortunately, the crock won’t get tired until it gets its revenge.

How does it feel when you meet your soulmate?

soulmateFinding your soul mate is like reading a good book

There are three kinds of people you will meet during your lifetime.

The first kind of person is a skimmer. He or she will run their fingers through your index and go straight to the parts that arouse them and peak their interest. Then, after a while, they will get bored, and go elsewhere for more knowledge.

The second kind you meet will take his or her time. They will go to every one of your chapters in detail. They will mark each one that especially arouse them. Finally, they will have the desire to go elsewhere for more knowledge.

You will definitely meet the first two kinds of people. This is a guarantee.

The third person is someone you will probably meet as well. He or she will finish every sentence, word for word. This will take a long time. They don’t want to go elsewhere for more knowledge. They have discovered a knowledge base that will last the rest of their life. Also, he or she will keep the book. What’s strange is,

You will never see this person coming.

No messages – Pisses men off

 

no-messagesWhat pisses a man off more than anything? Here’s the answer.

He finally gets the date with the girl he’s always wanted to go out with. This is the girl of his dreams. Then, the day before the date, he emails her, and texts her, and she does not return his messages. Even more frustrating is, on the day of the date,

HE GETS NO MESSAGES.

Why do some colors represent both GOOD and BAD? Strange!

colors
Colors can be crazy. A color represent something both bad and good. Let’s look at three colors: RED, WHITE  and BLACK. (I highlighted the colors just in case you are color blind.)

RED

BAD: Red is the color that means a business is losing money Your Business is In the RED.

GOOD: Red is the color of love. It represents sex. If your girlfriend is wearing red, chances are, she’s horny.

WHITE

BAD: A beginner in Karate wears a white belt. This means, if he gets into a fight, he will get his ass whipped. If a woman double crosses you, you may have to remind her that she is not so lily white. And of course, we must not forget about some people who tell those little white lies.

GOOD: In the movies, the good guys wear the white hats. A bride wears white to signify that she is pure. I don’t know if this is good or bad.

BLACK

BAD: On the other hand, the bad guys in the movies wear the black hats. If someone does not want you in their fraternity, lodge or club, they will blackball you. One of the most vicious villains ever, Dracula, wore black.

GOOD: Black is the symbol of authority, power, mastery and skill. A guy who has mastered the art of Karate wears a black belt. If he gets into a fight, the other guy will get his ass whipped. Have you ever been to a black tie affair. This is real classy – for the rich, famous and well-to-do. Dracula may have been a villain, but priests are good guys. Priests wear black to signify their humility, obedience and total surrender. Remember, Real Men Wear Black. Finally, if you are the owner of a business, you will definitely want to operate in the black.

Let’s do one more color.

PINK

BAD: Pink is a very feminine color, which is good. If a man wears pink, others might think he is gay, which is bad.

GOOD: Pink can represent feeling good. You’re in the Pink. It’s also the color that reminds everyone that there must be a cure for breast cancer.

Is this article BS of NOT? This might be considered a GREY AREA.

BS or NOT

Today, 3 telephone numbers, but no one to answer your call

Today, some people have as many as 3 telephone numbers

telephoneDo you remember the “good old days”. Everyone had just one telephone, and one telephone number.

Every time you called someone, you never got a voice message. You never had to press “1” for English and “2” for Spanish. You never felt like you were being jerked around. Even with just one telephone number, and much less technology, you were always able to reach a live person – the person you wanted to talk to.

Today, technology is advanced to make things much better and easier. Everyone has a “smart phone”. People and businesses have more than one telephone number. Some have several. Things are supposed to be better today.

RIGHT?

WRONG!

Here’s the problem. People have smart phones, but only the phones are smart. Some of the people using them are not so smart. No matter what telephone number you call, you can never reach the person you want to talk to.

No one wants to talk to anyone today !smart phone

How did dinosaurs DO IT, or more accurately, DID IT?

dinosaursHave you ever thought about the possibility of Dinosaurs being sexually aroused?

They had to be, occasionally. After all, they were living, breathing animals, just like all of us.

With a 6 foot penis, with razor sharp pointed spikes, this had to be a site to behold. If I could go back into time for about 20 minutes, this is where I’d go – to the Dinosaur age. I’d take my iPhone with me, get a picture of this and post it on Facebook.

The only problem with this is, I might not make it back. Dinosaurs probably valued their privacy during those intimate moments.

Source: NBC NEWS

Don’t let your kid lose his pen – It can be dangerous

lose-your-pin

 If

You lose your pen

You have no pen

You can’t take notes

You can’t study

You fail

You don’t get a diploma

You can’t work

You can’t get any money

You can’t eat

You get skinny

You are ugly

No one loves you

You don’t get married

You don’t have children

You are alone

You are lonely

You are depressed

You get sick

 Then

You will have no pen

You can’t take notes

You can’t study

You will fail

You won’t get a diploma

You can’t work

You can’t get any money

You can’t eat

You will get skinny

You will be ugly

No one will love you

You won’t get married

You won’t have children

You will be alone

You will be lonely

You will be depressed

You will get sick

You will die

 

The Lesson to Be Learned: DON’T LOSE YOUR PEN, OR YOU WILL DIE!