1. They talk out of three sides of their mouths.
2. They promise that you will be OK. Then, when you are screwed, they say you were lucky because it could have been a lot worse.
3. They do what they want to do, and not what you want them to do.
4. Ask him a question, and you won’t get an answer, but you’ll get a bill.
5. If you’re sentenced to prison, he’ll take you out to eat, preach the Gospel, and remind you that it’s not Christian to neglect your debts. In other words, before you go away, he wants his money.
6. He’ll make you sign something without letting you read it. Otherwise, he’ll threaten not to represent you.
7. Whatever you hire them for, that’s their expertise, whether or not it is true.
8. They love to brag about how tight they are with the judges.
If you have a lawyer, you have to pay him a large sum of money for his expert advice. You want to do something, but you don’t know if it is legal. Suppose you want to post a picture of two horses making love on Facebook, but don’t know if it is legal. You call your lawyer and ask, “Is is illegal to post a picture of two horses making love on Facebook?” His answer will be, “I’m not sure about that. Just to play it safe, you shouldn’t do it.”
You’re no better off than you were before, with one exception – YOU STILL HAVE TO PAY HIM.