Merjeo by Charlie

Funny, Wild, Crazy Stories

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A Piece of Bread won’t get you into Heaven

Sometimes I believe the Knights of Columbus has their nose up the Catholic Church’s rear end

catholic-knights-of-columbusEmail from Merjeo reader:

I’ve been a Catholic for most of my life. About 5 years ago, I entered the Seminary and studied to be a priest.

Immediately, the Knights of Columbus in a small town in Alabama contacted me and offered me a scholarship. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t want the responsibility. The spokesperson kept insisting, and I finally asked, “Why are you doing this?” His answer was, “It’s our duty to do our part in helping young men become priests.” I knew he wasn’t going to leave me alone, so I accepted the scholarship. I was to receive $1 thousand each year, for 5 years.

Studying to be a priest is not like going to college to be a lawyer, engineer, accountant, doctor, etc. If the Catholic seminary thinks a man is not priesthood material, they will not let him continue. In other words, they will kick him out in a nice way. To the Catholic Church, this is an act of love. Bull Shit!

This happened to me at the end of my third year. I accepted it and went on with my life. But priests like to gossip. Somehow, word got back to the Knights of Columbus. They wanted the money back that they had given me, which was $3 thousand. Eventually, I paid the money back. In the meantime, I was labeled a con artist by the K C, and my family as conspirators. For this reason, I never go to that town because I feel like I can’t show my face there. It wasn’t my decision to get out. It was the decision of the Catholic Church.

I tried to put this behind me and go on, but something happened before Easter to stir this up again. I’m no longer an active Catholic. I don’t go to mass any more. But on Holy Thursday, I look forward to making a holy hour after mass around 11 PM, and spending quality time with the Lord to privately celebrate his Last Supper. This is customary. There are usually a few people in the Church, and it’s very peaceful.

But this year was a disaster. When I arrived at the Church, about 11 PM, the entire room was guarded by the infamous members of the Knights of Columbus, all decked out in their cute little tuxedos. As I walked towards the front of the Church to get closer to the altar, one of the members put his hand on my shoulder and said, “That’s far enough. You can pray just as good from the back of the Church.”

I felt like I was in a communist confine, and they were watching me. All I wanted to do was mind my own business and make a holy hour. This was once something that was special to me, and I looked forward to every year, and now they have fucked it up.

I’ve tried to give the Catholic Church the benefit of the doubt. But every time, the Knights of Columbus keep showing up like a bad penny. I believe that the Knights of Columbus has their nose up the Catholic Church’s ass. Should I just forget the Catholic Church, and move on?

catholic-creationResponse from Merjeo:

This is an incredible story. But don’t let others define who you are.

You’re not alone. I’ve talked to hundreds of people over the years who have had their differences with the Catholic Church. There have been others I’ve talked to who have hinted that the Knights of Columbus may be Satan worshipers. But I don’t know if that’s true or not. It’s just what I’ve heard.

Do you feel guilty? You shouldn’t because you did the right thing. You paid the money back, even though you didn’t have to. Make peace with yourself. As for the ones who damaged your character, let it go. They will answer for it.

What really baffles me is how power can influence people and organizations in a negative way. So many people think that because they have such powerful friends, such as the Catholic Church, this automatically gives them a hotline to heaven. This is not true. One God is better than one million Catholic Church’s or Knights of Columbus. You only have to please the One God.

Finally, don’t be discouraged about your holy hour that you used to look forward to. You can make a holy hour any day of the year besides Holy Thursday. It doesn’t have to be in a Church. Go out in the middle of the forest and make a holy hour. It will be a much better one that you’d make in any Catholic Church. Just look around at the trees, the sky, and the rest of nature. Who do you think created all of that. It certainly didn’t come out of a box of Cracker Jacks. Surround yourself with the real things that God created, instead of a piece of bread that some priest waved his hands over, and decided it was the body of Jesus Christ.

Queers in the Catholic Church – What priests are taught in Seminary

When someone does something illegal, wrong and morally disgusting, the first reaction is to get rid of the person, and the problem is gone.

Right?  WRONG! In the meantime, the lives of others have been destroyed.

In the mind of the Catholic Church, this solves the problem. When a predator priest decides to molest little boys, the Church gets rid of the priest, and their hands are clean. But the problem is not caused by the Catholic Church. The problem lies elsewhere.

Goodbye! Good Men Continue reading

Man evolved from apes and the monkey – I’m sure I know why

apesWhat was wrong with the apes and the monkey?

I’ve always wondered why man evolved from apes. During this time, I’ve asked myself two questions:

  • First, why did God create man?
  • Second, if man evolved from apes, why are apes still around?

I have the answers to both.

  • First, God created man because He was disappointed with the monkey.
  • Second, the ape is still around because one day, God may decide to change things back to the way they were.

Old Catholic priest tried to pick my brain about confession

confessionWhen I was a small boy, about the age of 7, I was being brought up as a Catholic. One of the priests I knew was a man by the name of Father Nicholas. He was a cool guy, with a sense of humor.

Later on, I found out my grandfather kept him very happy by bringing him a fifth of bourbon every week. So, to Father Nicholas, my family could do no wrong. This was over 50 years ago, and Father Nicholas was an old man then. I’m sure he has died, and I have a feeling he died with a smile on his face.


Father’s sense of humor backfired

One day, Father Nicholas decided to pick my brain apart. Here’s our conversation.

Father: ‘Are you a good boy?’

Me: ‘Yes Father.’

Father: ‘What do you do if you commit a mortal sin?’

Me: ‘I go to confession.’

Father: ‘What if you die before you go to confession?’

Me: ‘I go to hell.’

Father: ‘What will you do then?’

Me: ‘I go to confession.’

Father: ‘Well, who’s going to hear your confession?’

Me: ‘Father Nicholas.’

This Video about the afterlife scared the HELL out of me-Literally, I hope

This is the most accurate account you’ll ever see of what happens when someone has an “out of body” experience of the afterlife. In this video of a true story, Daniel experiences both heaven and hell. Only one thing in this video is true. This is at the 10 minute 4 second mark.

Watch this video, and read the description of what’s actually happening to Daniel.

Afterlife experiences are the work of the devil

Face it, the devil is here, on this earth. He’s desperate because we’re a threat to him and he knows the end is coming.

The devil is the father of all liars. He also knows the truth. What the devil does in this video is worse than lying. He mixes lies with the truth. The truth is, “You reap what you sow.” The angel was right. If Daniel can’t forgive, he can’t be forgiven.

Another thing that caught my attention was, the angel  didn’t have the authority to pass judgement on Daniel, which he didn’t do. He was a messenger sent to help Daniel save his ass. Listen to what the angel said about forgiveness, and what ever you do, please practice it. Take the rest of the video with a grain of salt. After all, the only person who saw the real heaven before he died was Paul the Apostle, and he was ordered not to talk to anyone about what he saw.

Finally, you must see the irony in this video. Satan is out to destroy us all. Sometimes, he implies the truth, but surrounds it with lies. Focus on the one truth in this video, and forget the rest. Learning to forgive could save you. The result will be, Satan setting out to destroying us, and having it backfire right back in his face.

I’ve received a few emails claiming that Merjeo is the work of the devil. Now you know better!

Sometimes, prayer is not the answer

prayerThis is a true story.

I once had a discussion with a Franciscan Friar.

In the Catholic Church, it is believed that the Priest performs a ritual, and changes the bread and wine into the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ, literally. Then, the people receive it as communion.

One day, we were having a few beers, feeling pretty good, and then we started talking some crazy stuff. I asked him this question, “If you’re in a burning building, in danger of dying, and there’s a priest around, can he just bless a piece of bread fast, without going through the entire ritual?”

He responded, “Why would you want him to do that?”

My answer was, “Because if I think I’m about to die, I would at least like to receive Communion before I die. This may increase my chances of getting into heaven.”

His answer to the question was, “I would think that receiving communion would be the last thing on your mind. What you should be more concerned about is SAVING YOUR ASS.”


Is Pope Francis serious about women, or blowing white smoke again?


Will there be Women Deacons in the Catholic Church?

When a leader is approached with a new idea, and is not interested, the most popular brush off is to say, “I’ll consider it.”

I’ll consider climbing Mt. Everest next Monday. Will I really do it? Certainly not! I’m not going to kill myself.

Does this mean that the Catholic Church will ordain women deacons in the near future? Don’t count on it. This argument has been going on for at least 100 years. Pope Francis has done more than his predecessors, by considering it. But this is a far as it will go.

A deacon is one rank below a priest. They can do everything a priest can do, except, say mass and hear confession.

The Catholic Church is holding on to something that should be let go. That is, Tradition. The Pope, Bishops and Cardinals, point blank, don’t want women in the clergy. This argument will continue for the next 100 years and will only result in one thing – Pissing more women off.


Ex Surgeon becomes Priest, and suddenly shocks the hell out of everyone in the O.R.

Ex Surgeon Becomes Priest

Father Joe is a life long friend of mine. He’s been a general surgeon for over thirty years. With a specialty in
hemorrhoids, Father Joe is the best anal surgeon in the country.

I say that Father Joe is the best, because by special permission, he continues to practice medicine and perform surgeries. But there was a time when he wondered if he’d ever see an operating room again. Continue reading

Heaven is like Life is now, with 3 Major Differences

Heaven will have life’s best moments but not the worst

heaven-yankee-stadiumThe most enthusiastic baseball fan attended his first game in Yankee Stadium during the 1950’s. He walked into this historical monument and said, “This is what Heaven will be like.” The avid golfer said the same thing when he visited Winged Foot Country Club the first time. What do these two examples have in common? They were  both breath-taking experiences.

The first time I ate at Stevi B’s Pizza Buffet, would you like to guess what I said? If you guessed, “This is what Heaven will be like”, you’re one hundred percent right. Although this is not your usual breath-taking experience, I enjoyed every minute I was there, and I still do every time I visit this wonderful restaurant.

Life would be so perfect, if only . . .

heaven-winged-foot-golf-clubFamous baseball stadiums, beautiful golf courses. the finest places to eat, and the many other things people associate with happiness are in this life, and right in front of us. Life does have its great moments.

Unfortunately, there are distractions in everyday life that make it far from perfect. Heaven will be very different. All of the distractions, corruption, indecision, lack of knowledge, and the many other twists and turns that life throws at us will no longer exist.


3 things that will be different in Heaven

Continue reading

Federal Prison was a breeze. Catholic Seminary was a living hell.

notre-dame-seminaryI’ve been in both a Federal Prison, and a Roman Catholic Seminary. Though my time in each were years apart, I couldn’t help but make comparisons. What I discovered was shocking.

Years ago, I felt like I had the calling to become a Roman Catholic Priest. After weeks of counseling, I finally made the decision to enter the seminary. I entered Notre Dame Seminary, New Orleans, LA.

I must clarify something. This is not Notre Dame University, Home of the Fighting Irish. Notre Dame Seminary is a different institution entirely.

Attneding Notre Dame Seminary was my choice. My vocational director, the priest in my diocese who guided me, tried to discourage this, but he left the final decision up to me. Continue reading

St. Peter’s advice for lovely ladies who seduce priests

st-peterAfter mass, about a week ago, there were two priests talking to the members of the congregation. One was around the age of 28, and the other was close to 70.

The younger priest was talking to a beautiful woman. I mean, this lady was a real looker. Sexy, beautiful, seductive – She had it all. Suddenly, the younger priest had a blush on his face, but for no particular reason. Finally, he had to leave because he couldn’t stand it. I think the young priest had a sexual problem, because he was walking kind of funny.

He went into a room in the back of the church. The older priest noticed that there was a problem, do he decided to follow him and find out what was wrong. It was then when I decided to do some eaves-dropping. I’m  not necessarily a noisy person, but I’m always looking for good stuff to write about.

I tried to listen in. The older priest ask, “What’s wrong?” The younger priest wouldn’t say, but the older priest knew that the beautiful lady got to him. He said to the young priest, “Son, I know what’s wrong. You’ve got to be able to handle this kind of situation. You’re a priest now.” Continue reading

How to cure Insomnia

jack-van-impeIf you’re having problems sleeping at night, here are two things you can do that will cure it, permanently.

First, decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom.

This second thing you can do works even better. Decorate your bedroom so that it resembles a church. Contact Fathead and ask them if they can make you a wall poster of Jack Van Impe. Hang it on the wall where you can see it while lying in bed.

You’ll never have problems falling asleep again.

Don’t worry if you can’t get Twitter Followers


If you’ve ever become discouraged because you can’t get many Twitter followers, don’t worry. You’re in very good company.

The GREATEST MAN who ever lived only had 12 followers.

Digital Confession – Text & Tell or Go to Hell

There are two priests in the Country who are actually hearing sinners’ confessions through text messages. It’s called Digital Confession. Confession in the Catholic Church will never be the same. This is how a typical Digital Confession would be between the priest and the penitent.