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How to survive animal attacks

If you want to know how to survive an animal attack, it depends on the animal that attacks you.

how-to-survive-animal-attacks-bears

Bear

First, you can try making friends with it, but don’t count on it. You can roll yourself into in a ball, roll on the ground towards the bear, and you may appear to be threatening. The bear might think you’re crazy, and this may scare it away, but again, don’t get your hopes up.

 

 

 

 

how-to-survive-animal-attacks-sharksSharks

First, when you get into the water, make sure you don’t have any cuts or wounds. Otherwise, it will tear your ass up. Try thumping it on the nose. If this doesn’t help, thump it in the balls.

 

 

 

how-to-survive-animal-attacks-wolvesWolves

Since the wolf is a canine, like your lovable dog, it may have a little love in its blood, but this is unlikely. Try throwing a stick, hoping it will fetch it. Then run like hell. Don’t ask it to lick you on the cheek. Otherwise, it may do it with two exceptions – with its teeth, and on another part of your body. By the way, these same methods also apply it you’re attacked by a coyote.

 

 

 

how-to-survive-animal-attacks-geeseGeese

If you see one goose, just ignore it, and think to yourself, “If I don’t bother it, it won’t bother me.” But if it starts chasing you, there’s nothing you can do. Run like hell. If a flock of geese chase you, you’re screwed.

 

 

 

 

how-to-survive-animal-attacks-waspsWasps

Now a wasp will probably not bother you if you don’t bother it. Ignore it, and it is very unlikely it will sting you. If you run into a temperamental fellow, and get stung, chew some tobacco and spit on the wound.

 

 

 

 

how-to-survive-animal-attacks-snakesSnakes

Like the wasp, a snake is not likely to bother you if you don’t bother it. There are three ways to survive a snake attack. The first is, don’t piss it off. The second is, if you see a snake, get the hell away. Finally, stay out of the blackberry bushes. Buy your blackberries at Publix. It’s a lot safer.

 

 

how-to-survive-animal-attacks-crocodilesCrocodiles

Sorry Pal. Your time has come. All you can do is run as fast as you can. You can try holding its mouth closed, which will disable the crock. Eventually, you’ll get tired of holding its mouth. Unfortunately, the crock won’t get tired until it gets its revenge.

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