Merjeo Moments
How to wash your hands the right way during the Corona Virus crisis
It is very important that you wash your hands, and disinfect them during this World Health Crisis
Best way to cope with a heartbreak
Put on a Rollin Stones CD, Listen to it with headphones, Turn the volume up full blast, and finally, drink a 12 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer.
Best way to cheat on a test in college
Enroll in the class. Take a picture of the mid-term exam with your smartphone, and then, sell it to the people taking the course next semester.
What is diplomacy?
Diplomacy is telling someone to GO TO HELL, after which they are very excited about making the trip.
Asking a question should be very simple
If this is so simple, then why do so many people in the media screw it up? The next time you see an interview on TV, watch closely. The interviewer will ask the question, and then try to answer the damn thing before the person asked is given the chance.
When you wake up, what do you do after checking your phone?
3 sh's. I take a shit, shower and shave.
The best thing a friend ever did for me - BS
A guy I've hardly spoken to over the years came up to me yesterday and said, "I've always considered you a good friend. For this reason, I want to ask if you would let me have one of your kidneys." He obviously didn't ask a very good friend because he wants him to live, but the SOB doesn't care if I live or die.
What was the scene before you died in your dream?
I never got there. Every dream I've had about dying, I've always work up before I was killed.
The most awkward situation I have been in with my crush
She came to me and said she was pregnant, and I was the father. I said, "Sweetie, if I'm the father, we are going to be the two richest people who ever lived. And I have some beach front property out in the desert I want to sell you." 15 years before I met her, I had a vasectomy.
The most insane thing I have seen someone do to save money
My next door neighbor asked me if I could fix his toilet, since he knew that I was pretty handy around the house. For some reason, it kept getting stopped up. After I fixed it, I told him to test it by flushing some toilet paper down the toilet. He tore off one small sheet and tested it. I said, "You cheap SOB!"
The most fucked up thing I have ever seen another person do
My former business partner did something one day that that makes me still scratch my head when I think about it. He offered a girl a job with our company as his assistant. This was his call and I stayed out of it. She had a job at a bank making over 50K a year. Since she was going to work for our company, she quit her job. Then, my former partner changed his mind and told her the job was no longer available. If her husband hadn't been such a nice guy, he would have killed my former partner.
What is you favorite one line quote? Mine is not too pretty.
When I want someone to leave, I don't just tell them to go. I say to them, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."
3 asshole behaviors in people that they do not realize are asshole behaviors
First: Trying to get on a bus while the people on it are trying to get off. Second: Looking over someone's shoulder when they are using the phone. What in the fuck are you going to see? Third: Looking for something, and find yourself looking in the same place several times. Do you think tiny elves are going to put it there when you are not looking?
What can cause you to become attracted to someone you were once not attracted to?
Most likely, a mansion in town, a massive house on the beach and a million dollars in the bank.
What is the unspoken rule between all women, no matter what?
If you are a woman, and another woman asks you if she can borrow a tampon, you give it to her, whether or not she is your worst enemy.
What is similar to finding out that Santa Claus is not real, but for adults?
What is really funny is, when you are an adult, is finding out Santa Claus is real, and you are it Bud.
I am so broke after my recent divorce that I had to steal a role of toilet paper
I stole the toilet paper from the church. I'm not worried about going to jail. I am the pastor of the church.
The best time and place to have sex, so I thought
Last Saturday, about midnight, my boyfriend and I were riding around, and we were both horny. We stopped at the first place we could. It was an exclusive Country Club. We 'got it on' in the sand trap on the 18th hole. What an experience! Everything was going great, until someone shouted at us, "Hey, what's going on there?" Believe it or not, it was another couple that had the same idea.
The 2 most bizarre and embarrassing ways to die
First: Elvis Presley style - Die on the toilet while taking a dump.
Second: Having a heart attack after masturbating. The person who finds you dead discovers semen stains all over your clothes, while the porn site algorithm kept going and now it's on gay poop videos.
The best non sexual feeling in the world
Finally peeing after you've really needed to pee. For like 60 seconds straight.
A nice way to tell someone to F O
"You have a Blessed Day, . . . and, . . . Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."
The day I first realized that being an adult sucks
It was on my 13th birthday. My dad loved kids, but hated teenagers. He thought everyone from the age of 13 to 19 should be put in jail. As far as he was concerned, the day I turned 13, my ass was mud.
Something people really like, but are too damn proud to admit it
On one of the Social Media sites, I decided to ask the following question, 'What do you secretly like, but are too damn proud to admit it?' Over 70 percent of the answers was, 'Hallmark Christmas Movies'. One person answered it the same, yet, a little different. His answer was 'Candice Cameron Bure - She's a sweetheart!"
This is the one thing that constantly annoys the SHIT out of ME
With all of the devices we all have, you can't get through a whole week without having to call someone for tech support. When you are talking to someone about a problem, you're already pissed to the max. Then, you can't hear the person because there are 50 people talking in the background. You tell them about it, and their reaction is, "Duh, . . .! I don't know what you mean."
How to solve the global warming problem
Paint the top of every car, house building and any other structure white. This way, it can reflect the sun like the melting ice caps do, to reverse global warming.
What is the national dish or food of the USA?
It has to be either hamburger and French Fries, or, hot dogs. Can you have a hamburger without French Fries? Absolutely not. This is uncivilized.
Sometimes I wonder if Doctors and Lawyers ever get it right
Pro football players practice during the week, but they play on Sunday. Doctors and lawyers don't play. They practice all the time. If I'm sick, and my life depends on it, I don't want to go to a doctor who's practicing. Hell, I want to go to a doctor whose playing. It's my ass that is on the line?
If only I could go back in time with my laptop and smart phone
I barely remember the fifties and sixties, but often hear how much better life was. I've always wondered what it would be like to go back there, with my laptop and smart phone. But there would be one major problem. First, I couldn't text because there would be no one to text, since I would be the only one with a smart phone. Second, I couldn't surf the web, because there would be no internet. Life is Hell!
How to shake up the Olympic Games
I've been thinking about this for years. Have the Winter Olympics in February, as always. Host them in a country where the equator passes through, such as, Ecuador, Colombia, Brazil, Kenya or Uganda. This way, it will be hot, and the summer events like swimming, diving, track and field, etc. can take place in February. Then, have the August Summer Olympics in a place where there is snow all year round, like, Switzerland, Austria, or Canada. During the Summer Olympics, the winter events like skiing, bobsledding, and figure skating can take place in August.
Is there such a thing as reverse Double Jeopardy?
I guess I've been watching too much TV, but here goes. Double Jeopardy means someone can't be convicted for the same crime twice. But suppose an innocent man does 20 years for murder. Suddenly, the real murderer is found, and the man who did 20 years is released. Should the real murderer have to go to prison, considering that the system has already handed down punishment for the crime?
Here is one way to never forget your password or username
Every time I try to log into something with the wrong username or password, I get an error message saying, "Your password or username is incorrect." Damnit, which one is incorrect, my username or password? I solved the problem. I changed all my usernames and passwords to "incorrect". This way, if I enter one of them incorrectly, the system will tell me what they are.
How to deal with a car that takes up 2 parking spaces
I think the government should make it a law that every driver must have a can of spray paint in a car. If someone is parked over the line, it’s should be required by law to paint the part of the car directly over the line. Inside and out.
The most overused words in the English language
The words, Racist, sexist, toxic, Nazi and offended, are so overused they lost absolutely all their meanings. There is also "literally" and "actually" which are thrown around all the time in every conversation but don't mean anything. Also let's not forget "I swear", and of course, "shit" and "fuck". And it's funny how everyone now seems to have OCD, ADD and ADHD.
The most completely useless fact
More people are killed by vending machines than by sharks per year. On the other hand, more sharks are killed by people than by vending machines per year.
How to cope with the fact that you are going to die
I'm 24 and and think of death everyday. I don't know why but my mind is programed that I have a disease or something that is going to kill me. At first, I didn't know how to deal with it. Then, I said to myself, "Piss on it. Billions of people have already done it! They survived it. What makes me any different?"
If you can afford a cruise, you can afford to pay your electric bill
2 days ago, my younger brother called me and asked to borrow $450. He said it was to pay his power bill, and he was a little short. I was going to meet him yesterday, until I saw a post on Facebook by his wife the night before. They are going on a cruise in a week. Damn, this pissed me off. If we didn't have the same mother, I'd call him a Son-of-a-Bitch!
Golf can be a dangerous game
I'm a member of a very exclusive Country Club, so, the story I'm about to tell doesn't usually happen at a place like this. I was on the 13th hole, in the fairway, walking to the green. Out of nowhere, a golf ball hit me slap on the top of my head. The guys who were on the tee behind up got a little impatient. Aside form that, don't these idiots know how to shout, FOUR!!?
The best "In Your Face" saying of all time
You have to go to the bathroom real bad, but are too busy to stop what you're doing. Just tell the guy with you, "Hey, do me a favor. Go to the bathroom and take a piss for me!"
The world is ending in an hour. What do you do?
Spend the next 15 minutes doing the one bad thing you've always wanted to do. Then, spend the next 45 minutes going to confession.
The two most overrated things in the world
The first thing has to be pizza roles. They have all the earmarks of regular pizza, but they taste like shit. The second thing is, brand name products. In my opinion, it is just a waste of money.
A place where you will never see a Nike ad
I would never bet my life on this, but you probably won't see the Nike ad at the Crisis Center, or, a Suicide Prevention Center.
JUST DO IT!
How I out foxed a beggar with a cardboard sign
Last Friday afternoon, around 5PM, I was on the freeway ramp, and saw a man with a sign that read, "I will work for food." I stopped, and said, "Come with me. I have some work for you. I'll be glad to pay you." He said, "Hell no! I can't leave now. It's rush hour."
The best pickup line so far
Are you a factory before the advent of workplace standards, because I wanna put some kids in you?
If you are older than 19 do you remember what you did on New Years day, 2000?
If you are old enough to remember that day, and what frame of mind you were in, you were probably sitting around in panic, hoping that everything you know did not completely shut down.
When you leave the house are you sure you locked the door?
If you know for sure you locked the house, you better be sure. Of course, there are other reasons you wouldn't be sure, for example, if you have OCD.
The biggest turnoff during sex
A few nights ago, my wife and I were making love. I was ready to reach a climax. About 2 seconds before it happen, she laid the biggest fart I've ever heard in my life. So much for being turned on!
How to blow a family's mind if you are a burglar
When you break into someone's house, don't steal anything. Instead, rearrange everything in the house. Rearrange everything in the drawers, on the shelves, and especially, the furniture. When the family discovers it, they won't know what to do.
What you can explain to a child but not an adult
When someone gets in the way, you have to say to a child, "Say excuse me!" To an adult, you would say, "Tell him to get the hell out of your way!"
What off-brand in a store is better than the name brand?
Probably, all the off-brands are better. They're all made by the same company that makes the name-brands, but they're cheaper. Cheaper is always better. If you're a tightwad, you'd agree.
Something that is not illegal but just feels wrong
When you're driving down the highway, minding your own business, not doing anything wrong, and a cop follows behind you tailing you just for the hell of it. You say to yourself, "Oh no, a COP, I better be careful", when you really want to say, "Stop following me, you ass hole!"
McDonald's introduces a new meal
McDonald's is thinking about discontinuing the Happy Meal and introducing the Angry Meal. I wonder what kind of food and toys are in this meal?
What is it that causes a family to be a dysfunctional family
I am in a family that people once considered a dysfunctional family. 2 years ago, one of the siblings decided he wanted nothing to do with the rest of the family. Since then, we have not been a dysfunctional family. What's dysfunctional, the family or the person who makes it that way?
How to keep your siblings from invading your space
I convinced my younger siblings that they couldn't go into my room because I had a tiger in there. When they got too old to believe the tiger story I had successfully convinced them that my room was haunted.
How can one food I eat make my piss smell like that food?
This is going to sound crazy, but it's very real. When I take a piss, it usually just smell like piss. But the fact is, I've been pissing for so long that I don't even notice. However, when I eat hamburger steak with gravy and onions, my piss smells like, guess what? . . . right . . . hamburger steak with gravy and onions. No other food does this. What's going on here?
Lady in very exclusive section has the hots for a German Shepherd
I don't want to give my name because of the nature of my story. I work in the hospital emergency room. Yesterday, a very attractive young woman from the richest and most exclusive part of town was brought it. Unfortunately, she was not alone. There was a German Shepherd stuck inside of her. Working at the ER, you would think, should make me not be surprised at what I see. But I have to say, now I've seen everything. At least the dog had good taste.
People who refuse to take no for an answer make me want to throw up
I ran into an old acquaintance who wanted me to create a website for him. I've worked with this guy before, years ago, and I didn't want to again. When I refused, he screamed at me. I gave in and said, "I'll do it, if you pay me up front." He said, "Fine", for what it was worth. When I got into the work, he was just as difficult as ever. Nothing I wanted to do was going to make him happy. Therefore, I told him, "Get someone else to help you." He screamed at me again, and I said, "I didn't want to do this in the first place." Then he said, "Then why didn't you tell me?" What a bastard! And by the way, he never paid me up front.
Why professional bowlers get no respect
I bowled a perfect 300 three years ago. Actually threw over 24 strikes in a row in a 3 game series, but only the middle game was perfect. I haven't bowled since. I'm not one to brag about myself, but I'm proud of that. Unfortunately, I never get the chance to tell anyone about it because no one gives a damn about bowling. If I'd scored the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl, I'd be dining at the White House.
I thought I was on the wagon but may have been wrong
I'm a recovering alcoholic, and have been sober for over 2 years. Yesterday morning, I woke up at my girlfriend's house, in bed with her. I know I didn't take a drink. I have no idea how I got there. I don't even know if anything happened. Could she have slipped me something?
Eighth grade student very knowledgeable about sex
I'm an eighth grade teacher. Earlier this week, I was helping a girl student with something, and was standing next to her desk. As I was bending down to help her, the boy sitting behind her said, "You have some nice looking titties, Teach?" I was shocked. I didn't know what to do. I just froze, and nothing became of it.
Thank God for the Good Old USA
I moved to England from Texas about a year ago. One of the major things that I noticed was that smiling and being friendly towards strangers was considered bizarre. This is somewhat true in any metropolitan area, but not nearly as bad as the UK. In Texas I was used to smiling at people, asking for directions if I needed them, and being friendly towards strangers. I learned very quickly that smiling at someone, or asking someone for directions on the street immediately makes someone think you’re trying to scam/rob them or you’re crazy.
Why so many kids are so screwed up when they grow older
When I was a kid, between the ages of 6 and 13, my parents would tell me something like, "Even though you didn't do it on purpose it was still caused by you and your actions and you still have to deal with the consequences. You have to say you're sorry." I refuse to say this to my kid because I will not fuck him up.
What goes around comes around
A few years ago, I was a graduate student in Indiana. Graduate school is a little different from under graduate school, in that, most of the professors have the students write papers instead of taking tests. For some strange reason, one of my professors hated my guts. I never missed a class, and I did all the work he assigned, which was, 2 papers. He flunked me. A few years later, the guy was sentenced to a year and a day in Federal Prison for receiving videos of child pornography. 'Take That, you Pervert! What goes around comes around!'
What people think of you is none of your business
I ran into an old acquaintance yesterday. This guy was not really a good friend. He is just someone I once knew. When he saw me, he bluntly said to me, "You know, I never really liked you that much." I stared at him for a few minutes and said to him, "THAT'S YOUR BUSINESS!"
Husband goes to hospital after putting Superglue on his lips
I had to take my husband to the hospital today. He was playing around with Superglue, and decided to get cute. He thought it would be funny to Superglue his lips shut. He couldn't get his mouth open. Now that I think of it, maybe I shouldn't have taken him to the hospital.
Today, I was at a baseball game
Today, I was at a baseball game. The seats were fairly close to each other, although, we were not exactly cramped. The guy sitting next to me had a nervous twitch. He kept moving his leg up and down, like he was listening to music. But he didn't have any earphones on. He got on my fucking nerves after a while. I wanted to say something to him, but didn't push it, because he was drinking one beer after another. People get a little crazy when they drink.
Are most parents qualified to raise kids?
You need a license to drive a car, own a gun and many more things. What do you think of the idea of needing to take some type of test and getting a license to have and raise kids?
Does anyone have the problem of constantly contradicting themselves in their thoughts
I don’t know why, but I cannot ever seem to agree with my self. I constantly have a hard time with anything I do simply because I end up finding points against any internal conflict I find my self in. Does anyone have this struggle?
The origin of the feminine napkin
Pads were first invented during the very first war, to cover bullet wounds on the battlefield. Later, some of the nurses had a really bright idea. Now they’re used exclusively for female hygiene.
Something that really turned me on
When I was a young boy, a few years ago, I remember discovering Leonardo da Vinci's majestic Mona Lisa while browsing through a collection of the master's works. It was my 1st time laying eyes on her. The beauty before me, well it... aroused something in me. It gave me a ... ROCK HARD [CENSORED]
My brother's wife thinks their house is haunted
My brother's wife thinks her house is haunted so my brother and I plugged a wireless mouse into her computer. He's been messing with her since. He's been telling her things like, “Honey I think the ghost has been watching us on our computer”. It has blown her mind.
My ex started to exercise because of depression
My ex started to exercise because of depression. She said the anti depressants made her feel crappy and not nearly as good as working out did. So she stopped taking the drugs and now just works out an insane amount. She's the most fit person I've ever dated. By far.
At the funeral of my grandpa something happened that made two whole rows laugh hysterically
At my Grandpa's funeral, I remembered he had a bumper sticker on the bathroom mirror that said, "Old fishermen never die. They just smell like it." I started chuckling, and losing the fight to suppress it when my brother asked me what was wrong with me. I whispered the phrase in his ear. Soon the whole row behind us was laughing. My Grandma turned to give us hell, when my brother whispered it in her ear.
I was having sex with this chick at my parents house
This is no joke even though it sounds like it but - about a week ago, I was having sex with this chick at my parents house and a baseball mitt flew off the dresser across the room and hit us. I seriously think it was someone telling us to stop. It didn't stop us though. We both went all the way.
I won the daily double and it was by accident
I won the daily double and it was by accident. I went with my dad to the dog track, a few days ago, and he sent me to the $2 quinella window and wanted the one and the eight dog. I accidentally went to the wrong window, the daily double window. This was the 11th race, and this meant that one had to win the 11th race, and eight, the 12th race. I'll be damned if this didn't happen. My dad said I was the luckiest person alive.
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