How to survive an animal attack

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When I talk about an animal attack, I'm talking about a wild animal. How you survive depends on the animal that attacks you. If you're attacked, one way or another, you're screwed.

Bear

animal-attack-bear If you are attacked by a bear, start praying right away. He's about to tear your ass up.

One thing you can do is roll over on the ground and pretend you're having a panic attack (pretend, HELL!). This might make the bear think you're crazy, and it might scare him off. However, I wouldn't count on it.

Another possibility is, you can try making friends with him. But again, don't get your hopes up.

There is one final option. If you have any food on you, you can give it to him, thinking he will get what he wants and not attack you. But the problems is, he will not leave until the food is gone, and you are on the menu.

Shark

animal-attack-shark The only way to survive a shark attack is, stay out of the ocean. Otherwise, there's nothing you can do to prevent it because he has his own agenda.

There are two possibilities. First, you and grab him on the top of his head with one hand, and below the mouth with the other, hoping to hold his mouth shut. But you will have to do this for a long time, and will eventually drown.

Another alternative is, you can try thumping him in the balls.

If you want to swim, swim in a lake. There are no sharks, just snakes.

Wolf

animal-attack-wolf The only good thing about a wolf, as far as being attacked, is that he's a canine, just like your loveable dog.

Your dog may be man's best friend, but I'll be damn if this applies to the wolf. Your dog will lick you on the face very affectionately. The wolf will lick you somewhere else, and use his teeth instead of his tongue.

One thing you could do is try getting him to fetch a stick. If he goes after it, then you run like hell.

The same principles apply to the coyote.

Geese

animal-attack-geese I've been attacked by geese before, and let me tell you, it's no fun.

When you see a flock geese, you might think nothing of it. But then, all of a sudden, they will start chasing you. And then, look out. There's nothing you can really do except, run like hell.

Spider

animal-attack-spider It's amazing how such a small creature can cause so much damage.

When you see a spider, you will probably think nothing of it.

Even if he bites you, you may still not be that concerned about it. But if this happens, just wait a few days, and the shit will hit the fan.

You'll start swelling up, wondering what the cause is. Then, in a few more days, you'll be dead.

Wasp

animal-attack-wasp To be honest, a wasp is not likely to attack you.

The thing to remember about a wasp is, if you don't bother him, he won't bother you.

But if you're an ego maniac, and decide to take a swipe at him, you've just burned a bridge. He will come after you.

The main thing to remember about wasps is, don't piss them off.

Snake

animal-attack-snake A snake is like a wasp, in the sense that, if you don't bother him, he won't bother you.

But again, if you want to try to show him up, look out. He will attack you. Unlike the spider, who will kill you slowly, the snake willl kill you fast.

Poisonous snakes will usually mind their own business, unless provoked. Don't fuck with them, and they won't fuck with you.

Crocodile

animal-attack-crocodiles Sorry Pal! Your time has come.

There's nothing you can do about it.

Of course, if you want to try something, there are two things you could do. First, you could try holding his mouth closed. This will disable him. But after a while, you will get tired of holding his mouth. Unfortunately, he won't get tired of waiting for you to get tired.

Second, you could put your hand in his mouth and pull his teeth out.