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When your husband thinks you don’t love his relatives

relatives

What would you do if your kid comes home smelling like marijuana?

marijuanaHere are some things you could do:

  • Stick a cross up his butt and throw holy water on him! Preach! Don’t worry baby! The devils lettuce isn’t gonna get you!
  • Praise your kid for not coming home with crack instead.
  • Praise him for not coming home drunk instead.
  • Tell you kid that he’d better have enough to share. If he doesn’t, get mad.
  • Do nothing, but sit on the couch and wait for him to roll a joint for you.

 

Trump has plans for his second term

Trump

Supper on the Moon

moon-restaurant

moon-restaurant

Alabama running back, Bo Scarbrough yells “F___ Trump” before Championship Game

Listen to Bo Scarbrough yell “Fuck Trump”. It’s as clear as day. Mr. Trump didn’t deserve this. I suppose Kendrick James, number 44, got a big thrill, seeing as how he was laughing about it.

The College Football National Championship Game did not win an award for class, and Bo Scarbrough acted like he was one of the many obnoxious Alabama fans.

Just because a Football team is great, and wins Championships every other year doesn’t necessarily mean they have class. I wouldn’t give either team, Alabama or Georgia, an award for class Monday night at the College Football National Championship Game. Alabama conducted themselves in a manner that made them a disgrace to the Southeastern Conference. No wonder the rest of the Country hates this conference.

Bo’s just practicing for when he gets to the NFL, so he can hang out with Colin Kaepernick in the unemployment line.

bo-scarbrough

Bo Scarbrough and Kendrick James before game

The thing that’s surprising is that Alabama Coach, Nick Saban, didn’t do anything about this. Bo Scarbrough shouldn’t have been allowed to play in this game. I guess Nick is like his counterpart from yesteryear, Bear Bryant, who cared about nothing but winning, no matter what disgraceful tactics he had to resort to.

Many die hard Alabama fans claim he said, “F___ Georgia”, but the video is as clear as day. So what! What if he did say “F___ Georgia”? Does that make what he did right?

Bo Scarbrough did play in the game, if you can call it that. He played as well as he did against Alabama’s arch rival, Auburn, who practically man-handled Bo and beat the hell out of the Tide, 26 to 14.

Way to go, Bo! The first time you carry the ball in the NFL, if you make it, I hope someone like Dont’a Hightower of the New England Patriots fixes you but good, so you can join your Buddy, Colin Kaepernick.

Here’s a fun way to give yourself an Eye Test. You might like it

eye-testThis painting is used by psychiatrists to test a patient’s eyesight, as well as his mental capacity and his ability to react under pressure.

Eye test for people ages 18 to 40

Just keep very still, look at the picture intensely, and try to notice everything in the painting.

If you can do this, your vision is better than 20 20.

A word of caution – Don’t take this test if you have a heart condition.

 

 

 

 

 


sunglasses-polarized

 

 

We eat Chicken Eggs. Why don’t we eat Turkey Eggs?

turkey-eggsEating turkey eggs, as opposed to chicken eggs is like eating a juicy rib eyed steak instead of a round steak.

If turkey eggs are so delicious, why don’t we eat them?

It’s simply a matter of economics, with a little supply and demand thrown in.

Turkey’s are lazy. They don’t lay eggs everyday like chickens.

If you were to buy turkey eggs in the store, which you probably can’t, they would cost around $12 a dozen. If you really want to try turkey eggs, your best bet is to raise a turkey, wait for him to lay, and eat the egg. You’ll be lucky to eat one egg each day.

What it takes to be a Smart Ass

smart-ass

How to spend your day off from work

day-off

College Football Championship – Alabama or Georgia? Who cares?

college-football-championship

Who’s the better team? Alabama or Georgia?

It doesn’t matter to me. All I know is, we’re better than both of them. We not only beat both teams during the season. We beat them both pretty bad.

The winner will be crowned the College Football Champions for 2017. But whoever wins, the Championship will be tainted. How can either team enjoy a Championship, considering they were each beaten pretty soundly by their arch rival?

This wouldn’t be as humiliating for Georgia as it would for Alabama. Beating their cross state rivals, the Auburn Tigers, is just as important to the Crimson Tide as winning a Championship, if not more important.

I don’t care who wins the game. We’re better than both of them. Trying to decide who to root for is like being on death row awaiting lethal injection, and trying to decide if I want the needle in the right arm or the left arm. I’d be just as dead either way, just as the winner of the game will be a champion that was humiliated by the Auburn Tigers.

college-football-championship

Forget this New Years Resolution BS!

new-years-resolutionMake all the New Years Resolutions you want. It doesn’t matter. You’re not going to keep any of them anyway. For each New Years Resolution you make, you’ll find some way to get yourself out of it without having a guilty conscience.

Famous New Years Resolution’s and rebuttals

I’m not buying any more cigarettes. That’s the classic New Years Resolution. But are you going to quit smoking? You didn’t say. What are you going to do, bum from someone else every time you want a cigarette?

You don’t get lung cancer from buying the damn things. You get cancer from smoking them.

I’m going to lose weight. That’s good, but how? Are you also making a resolution that you will stop eating? How do you think you’re going to lose weight? It’s not going to just drop off, just because you wished it.

I’m going to stop drinking to excess. If you’re more than a social drinker, three martini’s may not be considered drinking to excess for you.

I’ll start meditating every day. A spiritual resolution is powerful. But what are you going to meditate about? I can think of several things you could meditate on.

I’ll pick up a hobby. It’s good to have a hobby to pass the time. There are some hobbies that might interest you, such as, women, drinking, smoking, staying out late, going to nightclubs. The list is endless.

I want to play more. Playing is fun and relaxing. This will take away stress from your life. But what exactly is it that you want to play with? Do you like playing cards? What about playing the horses?

I’ll eat fewer calories. That should be a dilly. The next time you sit at the table, or crave that late night snack, go ahead and have five helpings of food that is low in calories. You’ll eat like a pig, but at least you’ll be keeping your resolution.

I want to read more. That’s great, but what is it exactly that you want to read? Maybe it’s magazines with pictures.

I want to be kinder to myself. If you want to keep this resolution, you shouldn’t have any problems. Just keep doing what you’ve been doing.

I want to keep a journal. Keeping a journal is a great way to find out some things about yourself. But what are you going to write in this journal? Who knows, it might be a best seller.

 

 

A Classic New Years Resolution that isn’t worth two cents

new-years-resolutionThe classic New Years Resolution is, “I’m going to Quit Smoking.”

This is a New Years Resolution that no one will ever keep.

If this is your New Years Resolution, then obviously you are smoking on December 31. You will probably say to yourself, “Well, I have a little more than half a pack of cigarettes left. These will carry me into the New Year. I don’t want to waste them.”

Then you change it to the following:

“My New Year’s Resolution is, I won’t buy anymore cigarettes.”

Finally, you smoke the rest of the cigarettes in the pack you have, into the New Year. As for the resolution,

You’re Screwed !

My letter to Santa – He didn’t grant my wish

When I was a kid, I wrote a Letter to Santa. I had a very special wish, but he didn’t grant it for me. I’d almost forgotten about it, until I saw this post on Facebook.

letter-to-santa

But as the years went by, I had no problem with it, for two reasons

First, I kept in touch with her over the years. She really is a nice lady. Seeing her again was similar to an Ex Marine seeing his drill instructor years later.

Second, she didn’t signal out any one kid, or play favorites. She treated us all the same:

LIKE DOGS !!!

letter-to-santa

 

Goodbye Matt Lauer, and don’t let the door hit you in the butt

matt-lauer
matt-lauerIt’s funny how the people at NBC are devastated by the firing of Matt Lauer. Ann Curry probably isn’t devastated, considering the possibility that Matt Lauer may have gotten her fired.

I can understand why the people at NBC considered him a friend. When someone makes $25 million a year, it’s easy to think of them as a friend.

Matt Lauer is gone. Now if NBC can get Al Roker out as well, it will be a happy year for a lot of people.

Did Angie Dickinson predict this year’s Iron Bowl football game?

Was Angie Dickinson psychic when she told Frank Sinatra that Auburn beat Alabama by 12 points in the Iron Bowl?

History of the Iron Bowl

In the history of the game between Auburn and Alabama, known as the Iron Bowl, Auburn had never won the game by 12 points until this year. Before Auburn man-handled the Tide, the only game in the series that was decided by 12 points was won by Alabama in 1903 by the score or 18 to 6. That game was played in Highland Park, Montgomery. I think it is accurate to say that Brad Nessler and Gary Danielson did not announce the game. I don’t even think the game was on television. Was television even invented then?

iron-bowl-ralph-shug-jordanIt wasn’t even called the Iron Bowl then. It was, however, known as the Iron Bowl when Angie made her prediction. Auburn coach, Ralph “Shug” Jordan invented the name, Iron Bowl, because the game was played in Birmingham, AL every year.

Auburn wanted to move the game to their campus every other year because Birmingham was like a home game for Alabama. Unfortunately, in the late 50’s, Alabama Coach Paul “Bear” Bryant wanted the advantage, and took the matter to the State Legislature. Bryant pulled a lot of underhanded stuff like this, which is why his 323 wins was tainted. He hated Auburn, and he hated anyone he couldn’t beat, especially Texas and Notre Dame. Auburn finally won this battle. The first game played in Auburn was in 1989, when Auburn beat an undefeated Alabama team by the score of 30 to 20.

By the way, the movie in which Angie made this prediction is “Ocean’s 11”, a 1960 Rat Pack classic.

Whether Angie Dickinson was psychic or not, it doesn’t matter to me. I’m always happy to see Auburn beat Alabama. They don’t have the “Bear” to bail them out anymore.

I have heard, from at least 3 sources, that Angie Dickinson attended Auburn University. However, I don’t know for sure if this is true.

iron-bowl

Cemetery lots & graves are private property – Can be cited for trespassing

cemetary-grave

Email from Merjeo Reader:

Dear Merjeo,

A little over 7 years ago, my wife passed away from lung cancer.

She had a brother who was married to a real bitch. Several years ago, before we were married, his wife treated my future wife like a dog. After we were married, I put a stop to this immediately. This was what my wife asked me to do, and I had her blessing.

While we were married, she tried to interfere in our marriage several times, but we stopped it right away. Finally, she gave up and left us alone.

About a year ago, she sent a private message on Facebook to one of my siblings with the following picture attached (without the red circle).

cemetary

She also said in the message that she glued this figurine of an angel to my wife’s foot stone. My wife loved angels.

If someone other that her had done this, I probably would have called them and thanked them. However, based on the way she treated my wife over the years, I have no doubt she did it for spite, and sent the message to “rub it in”. When I found out about this, I called her and politely asked her to remove it. Her response was “GO TO HELL!”, and she hung up.

A few days later, I went to my wife’s grave to remove it. What I saw pissed me off royally. First, the figuring was broken and looked as if it was run over by a lawn mower. I pulled it up and threw it in the woods behind the cemetery. Then, I took a picture of the foot stone. Here’s what it looked like.

cemetary-grave

Apparently, she went back to the grave and re-glued the figuring with liquid nails, which is almost impossible to remove. This broke my heart. I thought the foot stone, which cost $1,600, was ruined.

I can’t believe people can be so cruel. She wouldn’t leave my wife alone when she was alive, and she’s still bothering her even in the grave. What can I do about this?


Response from Merjeo:

liquid-nailsYou’re absolutely right. This is as cruel as someone can get.

First, I’m not an attorney. However, I forwarded your email to an attorney friend, with your permission, of course. Here’s what he suggested.

A cemetery lot and grave are private property. Damage to your wife’s grave is no different from damage to your house. That comes under the area of vandalism. Your former sister-in-law could be cited for trespassing and face criminal charges.

Here’s what you should do. Go back to the grave, call 911 on your smart phone and ask the dispatch to send a police officer there. When he arrives, explain to him what happened, and ask for a police report. He won’t turn you down. In a few days, you can get a copy of the report from the local police department.

Finally, call your sister-in-law and tell her what you’ve done. Even though she admitted wrong doing, and may be a real bitch, she still deserves the benefit of the doubt. Tell her to fix the problem, or pay you for another foot stone, or else, you’ll file criminal charges against her.


Follow up Email from Merjeo Reader:

Dear Merjeo,

I did exactly what you suggested. When I called her, I was polite. Again she said, “GO TO HELL!”, and hung up. I decided to wait about a week to see what would happen. Then, I went back to my wife’s grave, and the liquid nails had been removed, most likely, by a professional. The foot stone looked like the figurine was never there.

I hope this costed her a pretty penny.

Lifetime Movies are great, but not quite like real life

Lifetime Movies are good movies. However, the older movies on the LifeTime Movie Network are much better than the newer ones.

lifetime-movies

Ashley Jones in “Dead at 17”

6 reasons LifeTime Movies are not like Real Life

• Most, if not all of the things that happen in LifeTime Movies could never happen in real life.

• The movies follow a pattern. Someone who is up to no good comes into the life a person, and / or, a person’s family. Suddenly, bad things start to happen over and over again. Anyone who can’t figure out that the person is up to no good is a moron.

• In most of the LifeTime Movies, the villain prefabricates an affair, usually by the husband of the victim family, that never happened. Right away, the wife believes it, without listening to an explanation, and throws his ass out of the house. Usually, the explanation is, “This is NOT TRUE!”

• All LifeTime Movies have a happy ending. They all end with a potential deadly confrontation between the villain and the victim(s), and the villain is either killed or arrested. Let’s be realistic. In Real Life, there is not always a happy ending.

• After the nightmare is over, the wife apologizes to her husband for not believing him. In real life, the husband would probably say, “Screw you, Bitch! I need someone who has more faith in me!”

• Finally, everyone in the movies either went to Whittendale College, or wanted to go there. I tried Googling Whittendale, and got search results for fictional colleges. I still haven’t found out whether Whittendale exists or not. I don’t think anyone really knows.

The advantage of buying pants on sale

pants

Do you buy your pants on sale?

If so, that’s a good thing, . . .

Because at my house, . . .

They’re 100 percent off.

The secret of the long life – Learn from the Turtle

turtleThe rabbit spends his whole life running and jumping. He lives about 8 years.

The dog runs and plays. He lives for about 15 years.

People do all of these, and many live a very active lifestyle. They live for about 80 years.

The turtle does nothing but eat, sleep and shit. He lives for 150 years.

Now tell me. Where did we go wrong?

We can all learn a lesson from the turtle.

What do you do when your mind tells you you’re tired

tiredOne of the worst feelings in the world is when you mind tells you that you’re tired. You’re sleepy. You are so tired and sleepy that you feel you can barely make it home.

Finally, you make it home. You get into that bed like you’ve wanted to do for the last half hour.

Then your body tells you,

“You’re full of shit!”

What’s in the can

Help me figure out something.

If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs, meteor showers, nuclear warfare and chemical warfare, . . .

cockroaches

What in the HELL is in this can?

No more junk food – Doctor’s orders

junk-foodMy Doctor told me to start eating healthy. He specifically said, “No more junk food!”

This was no problem. Immediately, I started eating all of the junk food in the house.

After about 3 days, the junk food was gone.

No longer a problem. The temptation is gone. I ate it.

Going to the Bathroom takes on different meaning

bath-roomI decided to call my bathroom by a different name. Instead of John, I’m now calling my bathroom Jim.

This way, I can tell people when I’ve been to the bathroom, and not worry about what their reaction will be, not that I should care anyway.

When they ask me what I did this morning, I just say,

“I went to the Jim.”

Sounds logical to me.

Older people at weddings used to drive me crazy

weddings

For years, every time I attended a wedding, at least two or three old people would come up to me, poke me and say,

“You’re Next”

This was a little annoying. I found a way to get back at them. I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.